“You rang my heart like a church bell at midnight. Trembling, I awoke to the sweet sound of love.”
I’ve got nothing left.
It has taken six months of writing to get through all of Ugly and shitheadery. I’ve got no secrets and lies now. Everything I’m aware of is out either to all of you, my friends, Twitter, or my doctor.
Sharing my perspective, talking with others, being vulnerable and open I’ve found a great deal of strength and healing. My betrayal et al is only one story within a wonderful book I wrote with C.
There are other meaningful stories obviously. However, for some people my betrayal et al will be the only story they tell. It will always be the only one that matters.
So be it.
My friends and family will always know better. Maybe C will eventually remember too and face her fears and anxiety.
More importantly, I will always know better. I know where I belonged. The truth is I know who I am. I know what the relationship meant to me.
How you read my story, what you think, how you feel, what you do with it is your choice based on your perspectives, maturity, hurts, and truths. Hopefully, there is something useful here for you.
My relationship with C is over.
I would have stood by C. I would have owned the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, I’m slowly coming to the sad realization, as the relationship stood, regardless of how it ended it is probably for the best. My betrayal was simply the accelerant.
As someone said to me in March, “You may have started the fire and if you had worked together you two could have used it to burn up the useless parts of the relationship. Instead, C used your betrayal to burn the beautiful and only saved the ugly.”
As I said, so be it. My sense is this is what she wanted anyway.
I have remorse for my behavior et al, but I have no regrets about my life with C.
I will cherish my experiences, life, and moments with her…but it is over. Parts of me will forever remain spread across the highways and byways we traveled during our all too short life together. There is almost no road I travel that I didn’t travel with C first.
This week is almost exactly six months since the reveal of my betrayal et al. Since April 22 I’ve been focused on finding a place to stay, talking a bit to K (it’s been bumpy), writing, and working.
I have an official move in date of 6/22 right in the heart of YoYo Town and finances have about caught up after two months of carrying C’s expenses.
For a new writing goal, over next few weeks, I’m going to spend more energy writing about where I am going and what is happening at the moment. I will spend less energy and time and energy reflecting. Although sometimes it probably will still sneak in! After all, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
However, I need to start applying the experiences and focus on moving forward.
I don’t know what happens next. However, for the next 90 days, I will have a home in YoYo Town. I will have work. I will have opportunities. I will reconnect with friends. I will do things with intention.
Although I cannot unring the bell, the ringing, like my life with C, will fade to a distant echo but with intention, the lessons will remain.
I’m excited about the possibilities. I’m excited about whatever happens next.
Thanks to so many people, I know the Truth: I got this.