33: Lies and Anger

In those moments when my Anger and Pride conspire to make up stories no amount of Truth will be heard. These stories, once accepted and internalized will blind me from any perspective other than my own. In this place I will always find things to confirm the bias of my angry pride.

32: Eeyore Visits Mordor

There is nothing simple that I have chosen to do. I think it is human to believe change is for the other person even when we know the solution lies within.

Thoughts on the Next Step to Health by Mark Nepo

The truly loving action is to listen and then tell them, ‘No.’ Changing something simply to make someone else feel better is the path to my lost integrity and shattering of my character.

Thoughts on The Six Kinds of Loneliness by Pema Chödrön

As we all do who are angry, hurt, shame-filled and unskillful, “we automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another,” adds Chödrön, “identifying with victory or victimhood.” I reality I have at times alternated between both rolls in an attempt to avoid what seems like desperate, despair-inducing loneliness. I can not blame C for K for that. I am very clear it is my lack of emotional skill, experience, and training.

31: Drive by Shaming

Every time I hear one person tell another some variation of, “Staying in your partnership and trying to transform the conflict means you’re weak, a chump, abused, suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and your past history was just one big lie,” I think, “Wow! Who’s gaslighting who here?!”

Seriously?! How do you know?

30: Unicorns, Chumps, & Other Mythological Creatures

The narrative that has choked so many meaningful intimate moments in my life is the false narrative, “You deserve to be happy but if there is a conflict that must mean there is something wrong. Not with them, but with you.”

Thoughts on Excuse Making vs Understanding by Lisa Arends

I have, on more than one occasion over the last 15 months found myself voluntarily leaning into pointless discussions with ill-informed people over issues of my identity, my life with my xp, and the decisions I was making before and after the discovery.

29: Saudade – The Deep Longing

I wrote as a plea to be heard. By someone.

Anyone.

By her…but in the quiet of the night, when love and grief can no longer be shouted down I hear the repressed whispers of knowledge reminding me the woman I long to hear from will never return.

28: I am a leaf on the wind

Too often I sense my grieving keeps me focused on things outside my control. However, with time and loving intention, my grieving gives way to a renewed focus on my own patterns, roles, choices, and opportunities.

27: A Quickie

There are just some days, even 15 months later, where I still long to belong to you. I’m deeply, truly sorry I betrayed you, me, and us. I never wanted to be anywhere other than with you. Ever. You were the one. You were always the one.