"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Anger reminds me that when someone feels entitled to slam a door (or phone) to end a conversation, I am not obligated to open the door again for them. In this relationship, anger reminds me that surviving and flourishing means their silence and entitlement need not manipulate me.
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I recognize that Beatrix was addressing her discomfort by not wearing the wedding rings. She was responding to her distress as she experienced it even when she couldn’t name it.
I get that.
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Today I recognize my choices for what they were—an unfortunate and unskillful habit of treating how I felt like a directive. I realize how often, in intimate and vulnerable relationships, I responded with a habituated neurological urge to pursue what I considered comfortable feelings while avoiding the discomfort.
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Moving forward, “Are my choices and actions consistent with what I value or am I doing things simply because I are afraid of what will happen if I don’t?”
I need to know to move forward.
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You are allowed to change relationships even if no one else understands. You are allowed to try again. You are allowed to walk away. You are not the same person you were yesterday. You are free to chose your life even if it is misunderstood.
Even if it appears to be a contradiction.
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Don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying there aren’t “narcissists in the world, just not as many as you would guess from the number diagnosed as narcissists by disappointed partners.”
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In those moments when my Anger and Pride conspire to make up stories no amount of Truth will be heard. These stories, once accepted and internalized will blind me from any perspective other than my own. In this place I will always find things to confirm the bias of my angry pride.
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As we all do who are angry, hurt, shame-filled and unskillful, “we automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another,” adds Chödrön, “identifying with victory or victimhood.” I reality I have at times alternated between both rolls in an attempt to avoid what seems like desperate, despair-inducing loneliness. I can not blame C for K for that. I am very clear it is my lack of emotional skill, experience, and training.
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In the wake of this experience, the loneliness backfills the vacuum of empty space where life resided.
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