"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I say this knowing just as Painter or Beatrice are not responsible for my betrayal, lies, and secrets, I am not responsible for theirs. At the end of the day how each of us reacts or responds to others is about our relationship to our emotional selves. Essentially, the ways in which we rigidly grasp our stories, imaginings, and entitlements define how we react or respond to the world around us. It defines everything from our suffering to our joys.
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If you love someone you have to be open to hurting them and accept responsibility. If you love someone you have to be open to let them hurt you and accept that responsibility too. That is adulting. That is what it means to be vulnerable.
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Just as “…but I love you” isn’t a get out of jail free card following betrayal, “…but you cheated” isn’t either. In both cases it is a deflection from the things that matter.
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There was a great deal of beautiful qualities in my relationship with my ex…but she is not the flower. She is not the reason it was beautiful. She is not the blossom or the tree. Our life was beautiful and it bloomed because that was the season and we both contributed to the season..
Our life together blossomed because it was our choice. Now it’s time for a different choice.
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If I love you too often I’m conflict avoidant. An uncomfortable pattern with family relationships and romantic relationships.
There are reasons for that right?
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Long before I have a conflict with others I have conflict within myself. Who wins? Who loses?
I create my own reality and therefore I’ve created the conflict.
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I see in the situation of infidelity, there will never be agreement about my intentions, motivations, or reasonableness but Buck is challenging us to discover what we can “create together.” To focus on the solution and not “fall into countless volleys of ‘you said…I said’ back and forth.” This unskillful approach “usually increases tension and decreases connection.”
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Intentions don’t matter when u r bleeding out emotionally. There is no room for nuance when performing emotional triage on your identity and life.
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As I read and begun to have an understanding of Brown’s intentions, I started to recognize how foreign these concepts are to my life…and why.
Like pain, I have to learn how to make conflict my friend.
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