"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think given the opportunity to sit and have a conversation like emotionally secure functioning adults I would say the following: We were together and I love you. I will always cherish our moment together. I forgive the rest but won’t forget it either.
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My experiences over the last several years has shown me how often my ego and pride need to be satiated before I will forgive someone I have decided has failed me. Even then I’m not sure I am forgiving as much as waiting to be right again.
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There was little room to learn how to express feelings, needs, and wants in a way that is vulnerable when it is met with derision, contempt, competing interests, and sarcasm. So I don’t think I was afraid of vulnerability as much as having a definition that equated it with weakness resulting in abuse.
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I packed up everything and moved to Pittsburgh last week. I don’t see myself ever going back. I don’t want to be here but none the less I am.
And that’s that…
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For nearly a year I gave away my Power and self-respect to Silence. I know what needs to be done.
Maybe I always knew but lacked the willingness to face it.
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Heroes are expendable. When it was hard she left and never looked back.
I’m done being anyone’s Hero. I’ve paid my dues. I want to be a King to a Queen. I’m not disposable.
It is her loss.
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