49: Kryptonite

I was responsible for the emotional safety, physical well-being, and financial security for another person and their life. Someone that was not my child.

The expectations and pressure destroyed me.

44: Passing Judgement

What I know now after nearly two years of counseling is no one deserves anything. We are not entitled to happiness, comfort, safety, or even the truth or honesty. We are owed nothing. The only right we have with other people is to leave. We choose to stay, we choose to leave, but it is still our choice.

43: Do I Love You?

The Good Doctor asked me today if I still love you?

Thoughts on the Flying Monkeys (The Narcissist’s Tool for the Smear Campaign)

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying there aren’t “narcissists in the world, just not as many as you would guess from the number diagnosed as narcissists by disappointed partners.”

36: A Bit of This and That

Just as “…but I love you” isn’t a get out of jail free card following betrayal, “…but you cheated” isn’t either. In both cases it is a deflection from the things that matter.

35: Say Something

I feel like I am finally closing the door on this experience and moving forward. The conversation reminded me again, like my marriage to K and my relationship with C, I am more than the sum of my betrayal.

33: Lies and Anger

In those moments when my Anger and Pride conspire to make up stories no amount of Truth will be heard. These stories, once accepted and internalized will blind me from any perspective other than my own. In this place I will always find things to confirm the bias of my angry pride.

32: Eeyore Visits Mordor

There is nothing simple that I have chosen to do. I think it is human to believe change is for the other person even when we know the solution lies within.

Thoughts on the Next Step to Health by Mark Nepo

The truly loving action is to listen and then tell them, ‘No.’ Changing something simply to make someone else feel better is the path to my lost integrity and shattering of my character.

Thoughts on The Six Kinds of Loneliness by Pema Chödrön

As we all do who are angry, hurt, shame-filled and unskillful, “we automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another,” adds Chödrön, “identifying with victory or victimhood.” I reality I have at times alternated between both rolls in an attempt to avoid what seems like desperate, despair-inducing loneliness. I can not blame C for K for that. I am very clear it is my lack of emotional skill, experience, and training.