"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Anger reminds me that when someone feels entitled to slam a door (or phone) to end a conversation, I am not obligated to open the door again for them. In this relationship, anger reminds me that surviving and flourishing means their silence and entitlement need not manipulate me.
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I say this knowing just as Painter or Beatrice are not responsible for my betrayal, lies, and secrets, I am not responsible for theirs. At the end of the day how each of us reacts or responds to others is about our relationship to our emotional selves. Essentially, the ways in which we rigidly grasp our stories, imaginings, and entitlements define how we react or respond to the world around us. It defines everything from our suffering to our joys.
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I recognize all change is internal growth externalized. If I want a different relationship with others, it is my burden to show up differently and be there for them when they are ready.
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I have allowed invisible loyalties to interfere in my well-being. I have taken life-altering actions on more than one occasion because I allowed invisible loyalties to hijack my decision-making process.
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When I say, “through this grief and loss, I gained far more than I lost,” I recognize what I am saying. I may romanticize and idealize Painter and our relationship, but I also realize how much that relationship cost me and how much I gained now that it is over.
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Recently I made a statement on my Twitter thread that I had a FB crush. Like so much of what I write on Twitter, it was intended as a comma on a particular moment. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have said anything?
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I still love Painter, and despite my best efforts–and hers–probably always will. However, breaking the pattern requires I stop pursuing the distancers in my life. As such, despite her stories I stopped pursuing Painter a long time ago. Today I pursue growth.
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The truth is I had one set of secrets and lies in my relationship with Painter. It was a meaningful lie and secret, full of fucketty and shitheadery, but it was the only one.
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