I have allowed invisible loyalties to interfere in my well-being. I have taken life-altering actions on more than one occasion because I allowed invisible loyalties to hijack my decision-making process.
I still love Painter, and despite my best efforts--and hers--probably always will. However, breaking the pattern requires I stop pursuing the distancers in my life. As such, despite her stories I stopped pursuing Painter a long time ago. Today I pursue growth.
When I spend resources trying to avoid the painful moment I am imagining, I will never know how to respond to the actual experience. Everything becomes a story about a fix to a broken fix to another useless hole. These responses to my discomfort only create a new narrative of pain for myself and others. I avoid living in an impermanent moment out of fear.