135: More Patterns

img_-l1ndt61“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”

Criss Jami, Healology

Dear C,

You wrote me in January and said, “This is just part of your life pattern. You don’t want to change.”

I’ve changed for the better. Do you see it? Are you looking?

You deserved better than you got from me.

However, what I know now, after nine months of pain, loss, silence, and really honest, lonely hard work, and at times ill-advised and ill-timed vulnerability, is I too deserved better from you.

You are right, I have patterns but not all of them are bad. I see now you have life patterns too and as such, I’d never go back to the way it was…but I would go forward with you, only you, but I can only do my work, not yours.

I’m patient and have more work to do. Dr. Deb and Dr. Chris, have both commented on my willingness to lean into the loss and own the behaviors that have caused so much chaos for you, me, and Us. 

Plus, I still have a belief in a shared life with you. A season of discontent is simply a few breaths across a lifetime of dreams.

I’ll keep working on changing the things I can and accepting the things I can’t. You can hurt me but you cannot break me. Only the rigid shatter. As always, I keep my heart soft towards you. Not simply because I love you, but because I love myself enough to know this is best for me.

Rumi wrote, “Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” I have time. Looking back I realize regardless of the depth of my passions for you, my love was never full.

Thinking of you. You know how to find me.

Me.