"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My experiences over the last several years has shown me how often my ego and pride need to be satiated before I will forgive someone I have decided has failed me. Even then I’m not sure I am forgiving as much as waiting to be right again.
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There was little room to learn how to express feelings, needs, and wants in a way that is vulnerable when it is met with derision, contempt, competing interests, and sarcasm. So I don’t think I was afraid of vulnerability as much as having a definition that equated it with weakness resulting in abuse.
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I packed up everything and moved to Pittsburgh last week. I don’t see myself ever going back. I don’t want to be here but none the less I am.
And that’s that…
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I adulted…and I can do that because I’m dealing with my shit, my traumas, my decisions, and my consequences. I blame no one.
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“It can be true that your husband is a kind, good-hearted soul. And also true that he made choices that hurt you deeply.” via Elle Grant, Author
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SpaghettiSam asks, “What has changed in this person so that the next time a crisis occurs or they aren’t feeling loved and special they don’t opt to go fuck another person?”
Good question.
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I miss her. Sometimes I would just sit in the living room and watch her paint. I know she has been struggling with creating. I hope this is the start of her uncorking her creative bottle.
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I realize now my anger and defensiveness were about armoring my heart. I cannot get to where I want to go when weighed down by my anger’s armor.
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