Best of 2018’s Week 34

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I’m a Thief: I stole the future C and I dreamt…but she kept the Crook’s furniture. I luv symbolism.

Of magic doors there is this, you do not see them even as you are passing through.

– Anonymous

I don’t know how this will turn out.

I also don’t know what C thinks, feels, believes, heard, agrees with, disagrees with, or has said or done.

What I do know, and am reminded over and over and over, is the only people whose opinions, thoughts, feelings, and attitudes matter is mine and C’s. The only thing I can control is myself, and even then only the truths I know, not the truths hidden behind the doors…but I’m looking.

My doctor reminded me again there are a thousand possible outcomes including:

  • We reconcile, or never speak or see each other again
  • We can try and reconcile and succeed, or fail
  • We can have a conversation for closure, or none
  • We can can try to date, or not
  • She can continue to ignore me, or not
  • I can ignore her, or not
  • I find intimacy and vulnerability elsewhere, so does she
  • I heal, she doesn’t; She heals, I don’t
  • We heal together, or apart
  • We grow together, or apart
  • I bump into her at a music event in five years and we have a meaningful conversation, or she throws a cranberry and vodka on me
  • She shows up on my doorstep asking for a conversation, or not
  • I walk into a gas station and meet a woman that takes my breath away and is willing to help put me back together
  • She backs her trailer over me
  • and so on and so on…

The list truly goes on to infinity.

The only obstacles to exploring these possibilities more deeply are expectations, fear, and pride…and our choices.

Thinking on it means nothing. Nothing can prepare me for walking through the door except walking through the door. I won’t even know it’s a door until I’m through it, and maybe not even then. All I do know, if there was ever any truth in our hearts about our future, we will find our way back together.

And if not?

Well, if not, we will be left to find ourselves elsewhere.

These are some of the personally significant messages, Tweets, pictures, memes, and miscellaneous posts from this past week.

 img_20180825_224321August 24th

We are human beings: our being infinite as the wind, our human house full of holes.

As difficult as it is to accept that there are no answers in life, it is even more difficult at times to accept that no one holds what we presume are the answers. No one. There is only, it seems, returning glimpses of wholeness in which all is seen and felt, and the frequently muddled aftermath and Clarity is gone and all speech fails…

So what are we left with? Well, we are each faced with the endless and repeatable task of discovering, or uncovering, our enthusiasms, which means in essence being at one with the energy of God or the Divine…

As such, enthusiasm is not a mood that can be willed or forced. Rather, it is the Ripple that follows the stone. It can only be felt when we immerse ourselves in life.


img_20180825_192618August 23rd

Often as we are being transformed we cannot tell what is happening. For while in the midst of staying afloat it is next to impossible to see the ocean we are being carried into. While struggling with the pain of change, it is often impossible to see the new self we are becoming. While feeling our hand pried Loose by experience, we seldom can imagine what will fill it once it is opened. As the days rinse our hearts, we can feel something unseeable scour us through, though we can’t get cant yet imagine how much fresher milk and sky and laughter will taste once we return to the feeling of being new.

Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening

 

 

One thought on “Best of 2018’s Week 34

  1. You said a mouthful there! That you stole C’s future! That is the hardest thing in all this. You stole her future without her consent or choice and you made that choice. You had a choice to make that decision for her and you never consulted with her. You just assumed she wouldn’t find out and all be ok that her further didn’t matter since she didn’t know. Sometimes I don’t think you get the pain you caused her by taking away her choices and then when she made a choice you don’t like it! And say she has betrayed you too and she lied, she is doing what’s best for her the only way she knows how. Being betrayed by your spouse is the worst! And you will never understand it even if you are hurting from the pain you caused she is hurting much much worse and you will never know that pain

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