Best of 2018’s Week 36

screenshot_20180901-224841“Well, to be honest, Sean, I’ve known a lot of people in my life and seen a lot of relationships! But none more honest than you, whose taken responsibility and doing the work so it doesn’t happen again. And that says something.”

My Client and Friend

It’s been a rough week.

I’m living forward, leaning into the lessons.

It would be easier to run and hide.

I’ve taken three clearly vulnerable actions since I returned from Pittsburgh. They were emotionally open and risky. They create uncertainty for me.

More silence.

I think I know the outcome and I imagine the worse. My thinking is simply borrowing trouble. Dr. Deb has to remind me over and over that I create stories to fill in the vacuum.

Dr. Deb reminded me that the only person that speaks for C is C. The Splitter and his Flying Monkeys don’t speak for C and they don’t actually have any facts, just ghost stories and too much time on their hands. Because of how this has unfolded through C and my actions we have allowed Interlopers to fill in the vacuum with meaningless static…but it still hurts.

According to Personality Hacker, as an introvert, C will speak when she is ready. My responsibility to be true to my Heart and speak to her through my actions. Words mean nothing now.

I should never have relied on journal entries, emails and text messages to try and communicate my intentions and motivations to her. Just one more way I was avoiding conflict. Just one more way that I betrayed C.

Just one more of the many lessons I’ve taken away from this experience.

Gottman and others repeatedly point out that body language and voice inflections are essential in decoding the nuances of interpersonal issues. I should have stayed and never left. I should have gone back months ago and faced the uncertainty and C’s wrath. I should have made her own her choices instead of trying to be the Hero and throw myself onto the sword one more time.

One more way I betrayed C and my integrity, Passion, life, and Loves.

Another lesson learned. It won’t happen again.

SIDEBAR: Why cannot I just run and hide like so many men and women in this situation? Why cannot I just say, “Fuck this!” and stick my head in the sand? Why cannot I just throw myself into another relationship or pussy or bottle and walk it off? Why do I still care? Why do I still try? Why am I so burdened by the loss and pain? Why cannot I just ignore the pain and hurt I created for me and, I think, I created for C? Why does it even matter? More questions with no answers.

I leave for Pittsburgh today to meet another kind of hurricane. I’ll be back in two weeks and then I have to take another risk and face the uncertainty.

What I do now, I do for me. No more running. No more hiding. Patient actions.

It will be 10 months when I return.

 

 

This Town

Niall Horan

Waking up to kiss you and nobody’s there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It’s hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round
It’s funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he’s got his arms around you
It’s so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

As if the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I’m next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

And I know that it’s wrong
That I can’t move on
But there’s something about you

If the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I’m next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Everything comes back to you