"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
149: Thoughts on They Cheat Because Their Souls Were Starving (Oh Brother) by SpaghettiSam
What has changed in this person so that the next time a crisis occurs or they aren’t feeling loved and special they don’t opt to go fuck another person?
SpaghettiSam
The Question
The above question from SpaghettiSam is probably the single most important question in my life right now.
It was an urgent enough question that after I read it, my Doctor and I spent two hours talking about SpaghettiSam’s post, dissecting the meaning of this question for me.
I imagine we will be spending quite a bit of time dissecting it later.
If you aren’t familiar with SpaghettiSam, you should be. She is one of the women betrayed by their Partner and not only got a shit sandwich but she got it twice. If you want to be reminded about why you are angry, she is your wingman. If you want to know what could go wrong in reconciliation she is the one to quote.
The entire situation sucks for her and her family.
SpaghettiSam tried reconciliation and played the accepting wife role, but as she wrote, “despite the fact that I made all of those changes he asked for, while he made none…He didn’t talk things out with me. He didn’t try to fix things. He took no responsibility. He simply resumed his relationship with Harley and blamed everything on me.”
Once he got the divorce he clearly wanted, he still blames her. Seriously, if you need validation that “once a cheater, always a cheater“, she’s the one.
Everyone’s situation is unique and I make no judgments about anyone’s decisions. Just as there is more than one experience, there is more than one solution. Love them and stay. Love them and leave. Hate them and stay. Hate them and leave.
Or chose one of the thousands of options in-between the extremes. There is no one single path for everyone. There is no one path for recovering. There is no one path for “repairing to re-pair”, as Esther Perel writes (she’s going to hate I quote Esther Perel). I know it is always the person that was betrayed’s choice.
Why Read Her
I read SpaghettiSam as a reminder of just how Ugly betrayal can be – as if mine isn’t Ugly enough. How regardless of intentions, motivations, and history there is always, always, more to the story.
She is angry. And if you read her journal it becomes obvious why. I try to keep a low profile when I go there, but I go there anyway. For her own reasons, she doesn’t think much of me. I get that.
However, on more than one occasion she has helped me discover the motivations and truths I needed to hear. She has a story too and it helps me.
Sometimes.
On more than one occasion I’ve left her journal angrily and had to go throw a rock in the lake.
Sometimes two.
Not because she was being mean or angry, but because she was right and what I saw when she shined the light on my blind spot made me physically and emotionally cringe.
From my perspective, as I read the writings and talk with the men and women that have been betrayed, this should be the question. Not “Why did you cheat” but “What has changed in this person so that the next time a crisis occurs they don’t opt to go fuck another person?”
I won’t get into all of it here, but the primary lesson at the moment is you cannot love someone without hurting them.
And if you love them? They will hurt you.
I won’t lie even if the truth will hurt them. Even if telling the truth might destroy them or me. As author P.C. Hodgell wrote in her novel Seeker’s Mask, “That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.”
Perhaps it was destroyed because, like Jack Nicolson’s character declared in A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth!”
I had my secrets and lies. Like Nicolson’s character, I kept the secrets and lies because I wanted to protect what mattered to me even as I acted in ways to betray what I love.
In order for us to grow, we both had to face the truths: we had grown stagnant. We had reached the winter of our old Partnership and we needed a new spring. We needed to grow and mature.
Whether I want to admit it or not, change requires pain and loss. I have pain. I have loss. I either adapt to the change or perish. Half measures avail me nothing. I am changed by virtue of the pain. I am different by virtue of the loss.
I lost everything that mattered to me – both the real and imagined. It’s gone. And in truth, I’m glad. I know something better is coming along. I can feel it even if I cannot see it.
Perhaps that is why, as my Doctor said to me today, “In all the years I’ve been working with people, you are one of the few that are committed to the process of self-discovery. You are doing the work to find answers and solutions.”
It took me years to build the lie I desperately avoid revealing. And the lies and secrets are a result of a lifetime of communication issues and personal trauma. It is going to take more than 10 months to clean it up.
Old habits die hard. New skills need to be learned.
We both were acting and reacting on different kinds of layers and types of betrayal that go back decades. Unspoken and unacknowledged hurts never discussed, and although it certainly doesn’t justify my betrayal, it doesn’t mean they didn’t exist and didn’t hurt our intimacy.
I cannot address the issues behind my betrayal without addressing all the other issues either. My decisions didn’t happen in a vacuum. There is no silver bullet. There is no selective editing.
If she doesn’t have a good answer to that question I won’t go back. I want more than half a relationship too.
As I deliver better, I will want better. I know what is possible now and will do my part to create it.
I needed the perspective. I needed the REASON why he did it. Much like you his only answer was selfishness. That wasn’t good enough for me. You say there’s no good reason but there is. You were lonely and sad and you felt unloved and unwanted and you were HUMAN; you were human searching for […]
7 thoughts on “149: Thoughts on They Cheat Because Their Souls Were Starving (Oh Brother) by SpaghettiSam”
I like this post and the progress you’re showing. I am not exactly an expert on the topic, but I do ADORE Esther Perel and I have been involved with a few married men, so I think I can share my opinion that some men will never cheat (my ex-husband was one of those, and I believe my current man is too), and some men want the thrill, the NRE, the satisfaction of having a part of their lives that is JUST for them. Esther would say that they want to feel alive again, and I agree.
Thanks Cougar. You have often given me a great deal to think about in your writing. You and Not Your Average Girl are jewels, often providing great insight on what is going on, without all the moralizing and criminalizing dialogues. I appreciate your input on my posts.
I like this post and the progress you’re showing. I am not exactly an expert on the topic, but I do ADORE Esther Perel and I have been involved with a few married men, so I think I can share my opinion that some men will never cheat (my ex-husband was one of those, and I believe my current man is too), and some men want the thrill, the NRE, the satisfaction of having a part of their lives that is JUST for them. Esther would say that they want to feel alive again, and I agree.
Thanks Cougar. You have often given me a great deal to think about in your writing. You and Not Your Average Girl are jewels, often providing great insight on what is going on, without all the moralizing and criminalizing dialogues. I appreciate your input on my posts.
ARC, Pls email me on my contact page, it’s important. Thx LL 😊
Got it , you can delete!
A friend turned me onto this after we discussed SpaghettiSam’s journal.
Is past behavior a predictor of future behaviors? Are we destined to repeat our patterns? Let’s find out.
Invisibilia: S4:E4
https://castbox.fm/vb/71599555