148: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

There are two ways to feel the wind: climb into the open and be still or keep moving.

Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening

 

I’ve struggled with finding the right words to describe my behavior.

At times I’ve used morally bankrupt, monstrous, criminal, selfish, immature and Ugly. Some are my words, some are grafted onto me by other broken people that haven’t dealt with their own betrayals or their own humanity.

I’ve tried on all the labels.

When asked “Why,” I’ve said, “because I wanted to.”  That is an honest answer but it isn’t a truthful answer.

On more than one occasion I’ve claimed I made a choice and a mistake. Those answers seem incomplete too.

While reading Dr. Caroline Madden’s book, After A Good Man Cheats, and working with Dr. Deb Goldberg, I’ve realized the most succinct & direct answer is, “I made a series of short-sighted and immature decisions requiring more ugly, selfish, short-sighted, immature and heartless decision about how to hide.”

This answer is honest, truthful, & mature. This answer is complete without being over-revealing, grandiose, self-shaming, or self-deprecating (or self-defecating) and usually leads to a more mature discussion of what happens next.

Here’s the root of every decision after first act: “I’m scared that if I tell you the whole truth ©, you will leave me.”

That’s it. There is nothing else. There is no grand conspiracy, no narcissistic intentions, or Machiavellian machinations. There is no con.

Like a child, there is only fear of abandonment and a longing to belong to a Partnership I waited my whole life to find.