22 Days

I’ve made a lot mistakes since discovery day, 126 days ago.

I’ve repeatedly engaged in a Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic and been sucked into multiple Drama Triangles. I’ve been defensive, snarky, and angry.

I’ve allowed interlopers to hijack the conversation as well as my mental and my emotional time and energy.

I’ve thrown myself on the sword, played the martyr, and hated on myself.

I’ve reacted angrily to C when accused of things I didn’t do, accused her of things she didn’t do.

I left when I should have stayed, stayed when I should have just left.

I ignored good counsel and acted on bad counsel.

I sent money I didn’t have and gave to Goodwill things I should have kept.

I should have given things more time, been less reactionary, listened more, and talked less.

I let ill-informed, malicious people define and manipulate me. I fed the trolls.

However, I’ve also shown up every day, been vulnerable, open, and haven’t hidden. I’ve repeatedly made myself vulnerable to her. I’ve let her know in some way every day my intentions, I love her and want her back.

My skin is thicker and my heart more open. I’m working on being secret and shame-free for the first time in a very long time.

I’m so grateful I didn’t just run away and hide. The journaling, writing, therapy has given insight into so much more than just my infidelity. I’ve found a support group of men and women on all sides of the infidelity triangle, in all types of situations, and they have offered me insight and compassion.

I may not be doing it perfectly but I’ve been doing it.

22 days.

Also, I want my coffee mug back.

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