56: A Fool’s Tale: Betrayal (Redux)

The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings.

– Gita Bellin

I awoke from a dream last night with tears and crystal clear understanding.

I betrayed C. C betrayed me. That is true but not the truth.

More significantly, C betrayed herself.

By deleting every picture of us together over the last seven years, by folding the narrative to make herself a victim, by allowing others to define her life with me, by denying herself the right to talk to me angrily and honestly, and by pretending everything around our life together is a con, she denied her heart’s experience.

One of my vows to her was to never make her live with limits. To not put her in a box and trap her. To stand with her.

By betraying herself she has built a prison far more damaging than anything I could have done. More vulnerability, not less, is the only way to heal a broken heart. A vulnerability with intent.

I know, because my betrayal locked up my heart too.

Betrayal of others filled me with shame; it is a solitary confinement and Shame is the warden.

However, the betrayal of myself is a different and far lonelier prison and one I lived in. I know now the fastest way to freedom is to feel and express my feelings. Use vulnerability as the axe and pick and shovel and use the tools to tear down the walls instead of building them.

I cry for her pain but know only she can free herself.