24: And that’s that


IMG_20181227_215307You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.

Epicurus


Screenshot_20190120-120531Woolgathering

So we are all clear: I’d start over with my xp. It would have to be different now but I’d do the work and build on the really good things…and for me there were really good things…but that’s not the path.

Pride says admitting this truth makes me weak and stupid. I tell my Pride to shut-up but still, I abandon my quixotic woolgathering.

And that’s that…

Rumors

The rumor is she is engaged, and she and her boys are living with him and his kids (or vise versa), and in love. I have no way of knowing if it’s true and recognize it is one more ghost story. This is the path she chose.

I genuinely want her to be happy and successful. I always have.

At least that should be the rumor.

And that’s that…

snappeningThree Lefts Make a Right

Since she dragged me to a court hearing in November, almost three years to the day I moved from Columbus, OH to YoYo Town to build a life with her, I’ve struggled with the question of taking her to court to try and have my things returned.

I’ve talked to two attorneys and they tell me legally my xp is in the wrong. Seriously in the wrong.

The reality is she has kept or is selling things I brought with me to the relationship, she has kept or is selling things I bought for myself, and she is keeping or selling things I bought for Us. She has done this without even a conversation.

I know this because my attorney told me to make a complete list of what she is selling and where. And so I hunted down things where I could debating what I should and shouldn’t do.

She is selling my things on Craigslist, LetGo, Facebook Market, and Etsy. She has done this despite telling the judge she would return things. She cries she doesn’t know what I want returned while refusing to have a conversation to discuss any of this. She claims the role of damsel in distress and avoids responsibility. I’m not a dangerous, unreasonable, or unstable narcissist but I play one in their narrative.

After much thought, discussion and handwringing I’m not going to do anything I surrender it all to her. I surrender it not out of guilt, shame, fear, or caretaking. I surrender it because it isn’t worth a fight. I’d fight for Us but I won’t fight for things. It’s not worth the energy.

Even when I’m legally and ethically in the right.

And that’s that…

IMG_20170804_154426516Remember

It is difficult for me to see her behavior as anything other than more of her sense of entitlement, venging, immaturity, grandiosity, or something darker. Sometimes I can meet her Ugly with compassion, understanding, and generosity and think to myself, “Yes, but I hurt her.” I know she isn’t all Ugly. She has beautiful qualities too.

I try to remind myself hurt people hurt people, venging is a lazy form of grieving, and blah, blah, blah.

And then I remember her first words to K, “Good. I’ve been looking for a reason to kick him out.” I remember her patterns with Heroes. I remember the lies she told about me to our (?) friends. I remember her hoarding and hiding money and expenses. I remember how she made things up dragging me to court where she lied, exaggerated, and denied our history. I remember her calling my client. I remember her blaming me whenever she felt uncomfortable. I remember her calling my parents wanting to know if I was a narcissist.

I remember in October 2018, the first time she saw me in 11 months, she did exactly what I predicted she would do in May 2018. I remember her telling me three days before my 50th birthday she didn’t think to see me “wouldn’t be a good idea” and getting a threatening email from her boyfriend five days later highlighting the Pattern that was trapping us. I remember her telling me she couldn’t see me because she was traumatized, a codependent, or damaged while telling others she’d never come back and spreading bullshit rumors. I remember learning she approached a dear friend’s sister at hockey and telling her to tell my friend what a horrible person I am. I remember talking to the sister and learning my xp warned the other hockey parents.

I remember her pattern of infidelity and betrayals.

I remember on December 31, 2017, 36 days after the reveal, she erased every picture of us over together over our six years and eight months together. I remember that on December 31, 2018, she added her fiance to her Etsy account as a curator and used almost identical language to describe her relationship with him she used to describe our relationship together.

I remember I’ve made every effort and she has made none.

I remember my Ugly is Ugly too and that I am in no position to judge her.

I wonder: Why am I striving to meet her silence and actions with compassion, understanding, and generosity? Why do I defend her? Why cannot I meet her actions with vitriol? Why don’t I drag her into court and reclaim what is mine? Why? Why? Why?

Then I remember, those are the wrong questions.

I remember and feel a deep joyful sorrow passing over my heart. I remember this will take time for me. It isn’t wasting my life, it is deepening my understanding of life and people.

And that’s that…

Screenshot_20180727-082601.pngI’ve Got This Life to Fix

I packed up everything and moved to Pittsburgh last week. I don’t see myself ever going back. I don’t want to be here but none the less I am.

And that’s that…

I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Gotta build it back up brick by brick
I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Gotta build it back up brick by brick

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa

I left my home today
I didn’t have that much to say
This time alone is all I got
Singing my song in the parking lot
Every day I wake this way
Some the days I just can’t take
Get that money, get that break
You ain’t gonna win if you ain’t gonna play

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa

I like the way I feel
I’m all night, close that deal
I’m all alone, it’s all I know
Singing along with the radio
Dream about you every day
I can’t go back, you’ve gone away
Knock me down but that’s okay
We all look back on yesterday
We all look back on yesterday

I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Gotta build it back up brick by brick
I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Gotta build it back up brick by brick

I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Gotta build it back up brick by brick

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa

I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Build it back up brick by brick
I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
build it back up brick by brick

I got this life to fix
Threw it all out in a ditch
Broken down when I was sick
Build it back up brick by brick

Whoa, whoa
Oh, build it back up, build it back up
Whoa, whoa
Good Lord, oh, build it back, build it back
Whoa, whoa
Yeah
Whoa, whoa
Build it back up brick by brick