If I love you too often I'm conflict avoidant. An uncomfortable pattern with family relationships and romantic relationships. There are reasons for that right?
Long before I have a conflict with others I have conflict within myself. Who wins? Who loses? I create my own reality and therefore I've created the conflict.
I see in the situation of infidelity, there will never be agreement about my intentions, motivations, or reasonableness but Buck is challenging us to discover what we can "create together." To focus on the solution and not "fall into countless volleys of 'you said...I said' back and forth." This unskillful approach "usually increases tension and decreases connection."
Intentions don't matter when u r bleeding out emotionally. There is no room for nuance when performing emotional triage on your identity and life.
There was little room to learn how to express feelings, needs, and wants in a way that is vulnerable when it is met with derision, contempt, competing interests, and sarcasm. So I don't think I was afraid of vulnerability as much as having a definition that equated it with weakness resulting in abuse.