"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I saw clearly how many times I promised to keep her safe and protect her, promised to always be there for her, always catch her when she falls and to love her intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. I saw clearly how many times and ways I kept my promise but now realize whatever I did was never going to be enough.
I see clearly now how I allow her silence to manipulate and hurt me.
I saw clearly how my pursuing answers from someone frightened of vulnerability left me endlessly wondering about the past, the present, and the future. How the Pursuer-Distancer Dance brought out the worse in Us. How her willingness to use Flying Monkeys to carry her anger is a reflection of something deeper, truer, and Uglier about her.
I think of all the times she disciplined the Twins by shouting, and whispering, “You better do XYZ, or Sean will be mad.” Constantly making me the heavy forever wounding my relationship with the boys.
Not one time in 10.5 months has she asked me if I’m safe or okay. Not once in the years, we were together had she apologized for being wrong or hurting me.
However, embracing Radical Acceptance, “means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting you suffer less.”
However, because of her choices, I am free, and no longer bound, in this life or the next, to any promises to her. I have met my responsibilities to her.
And in my freedom, I am discovering a better Pattern for living and loving. A life with less suffering…and more dancing.
Wow! That’s quite the awakening. How are you feeling?
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At the moment, I’m resigned to it all.
My heart hurts but, it hurts because I have a heart. Imagine it hurts a lot like yours, betrayed, confused, and unsure of the path forward, but knowing there is no path forward with Chrissy.
After what I experienced Friday, if it turns her on and makes her feel loved because some Yahoo wants to start a bar fight over her at 50 years old, he can have her.
I feeling foolish for making an effort to love and care for her. I feel foolish for the way love blinded me. I feel foolish because I know that although I wouldn’t take her back, that I would still hold her hand.
Wow! That’s quite the awakening. How are you feeling?
At the moment, I’m resigned to it all.
My heart hurts but, it hurts because I have a heart. Imagine it hurts a lot like yours, betrayed, confused, and unsure of the path forward, but knowing there is no path forward with Chrissy.
After what I experienced Friday, if it turns her on and makes her feel loved because some Yahoo wants to start a bar fight over her at 50 years old, he can have her.
I feeling foolish for making an effort to love and care for her. I feel foolish for the way love blinded me. I feel foolish because I know that although I wouldn’t take her back, that I would still hold her hand.
At the moment, my heart is a stone.