153.05: The Patterns (Part 5)

mvimg_20181016_184031Renci de Shangdi, qing dai wo zou – Merciful God please take me away

Wo xiang mei er, mei xin, bian shitou – I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone

River Tam

To read the rest of the story about The Patterns click on the links: Part 1Part 2Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Meanwhile, in Bizarro World, three days after I watched © and Patsy III act out at the YoYo Town Bar, I received a call and was told by a mutual friend, “Sean, © announced on FB on Saturday morning she is in love with Patsy III. She uploaded months of pictures of the two of them together and fawning on one another. I think they are engaged.

November, 24th will be eleven months.

Two weeks ago I said to someone that © cannot hurt me. It was bravado and I know it. In truth, of course, she hurts me: she still owns part of my heart. Even sitting in the bar Friday, I felt her there even if I didn’t look for her.

I’m hurt, angry, and saddened. I really believed I belonged to ©. I really believed as long as we were together we could work it out. As Glasvegas, sings, “I find it hard to let go and move on lots sometimes; I really thought we could have made it to the end lots sometimes.”

I’ve tried and I will never regret my effort or time. I’ll always know I honored my heart. She mattered to me. She matters now…but she isn’t my responsibility (I keep saying that, maybe someday I will fully accept it).

Nonetheless, as my Doctor reminded me today, this is the reality of my life. Accept it. Face it. Love it. Embrace a radical acceptance of this moment in my life…or suffer.

After my friend told me © is engaged I pulled off the road and sat in the rest area outside of Cleveland and cried. I sat quietly and sat in my pain and loss. I listened as the rain rhythmically thumps against the cloth roof of my car. I watched the rain explode into ripples across my windshield.

And I waited because now I know the power of sitting and being still. I know that despite the storms I witness, I know behind it all the sun still shines.

And behind this storm in my life? An awareness of life’s fleeting impermanence.

What now?

I’m not sure. I’m trying not to fall on a rebound. It’s hard because living on the road is lonely and I want company. I’ve gone on dates, but my heart isn’t there. I know, as Elle Grant at Betrayed Wives Club wrote, “Relying on another to heal my broken heart was a mistake, I’ve learned. Heart healing is an inside job.”

I still feel I have a lot of work to do and need someplace to bury my Hope with Honor and Dignity. I’ll need to keep digging. I’ll practice expressing gratitude for my pain and loss, my gratitude for the experience.

I believe the wolf we feed thrives. I’ll keep feeding love, patience, acceptance, tolerance to the one that grows my heart. I’ll feed the one that gives me power and doesn’t surrender it.

Meanwhile, I will make my way to the ocean and bathe my wounds in the salt air…

A new Pattern awaits…

The last picture I have of us together. 11/2017.
11 - 4
One of the first pictures taken of us together. 11/2011

I care for you deeply but you are not my responsibility. I wish you happiness and joy. I hope Dave is the one

I hope you find your heart and peace.

I will always regret my decisions to betray you but I can only move forward. Thank you for being my Friend, Lover, and Partner. You made my life better. I’m grateful for the time we spent together and honored by your love, sharing, and patience.




12 thoughts on “153.05: The Patterns (Part 5)

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  1. Lots of sound advice there. I’ve never believed in rebounds, unless you didn’t care about the other person in the first place, in which case, knock yourself out. It takes as long as it takes. Yours takes longer. Maybe your new life on the road makes that infinitely harder because you haven’t been able to make any substantial new friends or put down new roots. You have no perspective of other relationships to use to gauge why all this is happening or to purge your feelings.

    And of course other people feeding you information on the life you left behind is NOT helpful and, I think, rather tactless given that this affects you. How often do we take a sneaky look at an ex’s social media in the hope they’ve crashed and burned only to find they’re doing far better than us? That helps noone.

    I have no advice to suggest here, because this is a longer slower journey than it’s ever been for me. 9 times out of 10 I was the one ending relationships because I hook up with complete wankers and it takes me YEARS to regret it and end it, so I’ve never had that lack of power to a greater degree. Just carry on doing what you’re doing for now. Until you can stop and start to build proper friendships with real people and build yourself a new community I think you will be in this for the long stretch. But you’ve come this far and that says a lot.

    1. You are a delight Timber.

      Just because I express my feelings doesn’t mean that those feelings are driving me. Well actually, I do do a lot of driving, but the point is, I got this.

      And I know it.

      What has causing the most damage in the moment, is my warped sense of Honor and how I feel it is my burden to carry. That is an issue that came up in the last 24 hours, I’ll dissect it, feel it, own it, and then set it aside. I am not responsible for Chrissy, or her decisions.

      That’s my doctor and I, and other friends, have discussed, probably ad nauseam, as I can love Chrissy and care for her without taking responsibility for her choices in dealing with life.

      I’m going to stand on the beach tonight, watch the moon come up, and threw a Stone into the sea.

      I’ll wave to you.

      I’ll be in Europe next spring or summer and would love to buy you and your beau, a pint.

      I’m coming alone. LOL. Of course I’ve been cuming alone now for 10 and 1/2 months. <– I made a funny.

      1. Lol. Tres amusement! Well if that happens let me know. I don’t think a trip to the US of A is on the cards anytime soon for me. I don’t know which beau you mean? 😉 And considering they’ve all been the subject of this blog without their consent that could be a tricky introduction. 😀

  2. I’m saddened by this development for both of you but for different reasons. I’m sad, but unsurprised, that C never got to the point where she could have a conversation with you. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn’t change the fact that it’s there. And I’m sad that you never got to show her how much work you’ve done. You should keep doing that work though, because one day when someone else strikes your fancy they’ll be getting a really awesome, self-aware, empathetic guy. I hope one day you can look back on these moments and feel like they propelled you forward instead of setting you back.

    1. The choice is always hers.

      I’ve been doing the work from the beginning because it needed done for me. I know her decisions and choices are about her, just mine was about me. I will continue to learn to love her from afar and with an open mind and heart so I can love more truly the next time.

      Even in her silence and anger she still teaches me…

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