153.05: The Patterns (Part 5)

mvimg_20181016_184031Renci de Shangdi, qing dai wo zou – Merciful God please take me away

Wo xiang mei er, mei xin, bian shitou – I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone

River Tam

To read the rest of the story about The Patterns click on the links: Part 1Part 2Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Meanwhile, in Bizarro World, three days after I watched © and Patsy III act out at the YoYo Town Bar, I received a call and was told by a mutual friend, “Sean, © announced on FB on Saturday morning she is in love with Patsy III. She uploaded months of pictures of the two of them together and fawning on one another. I think they are engaged.

November, 24th will be eleven months.

Two weeks ago I said to someone that © cannot hurt me. It was bravado and I know it. In truth, of course, she hurts me: she still owns part of my heart. Even sitting in the bar Friday, I felt her there even if I didn’t look for her.

I’m hurt, angry, and saddened. I really believed I belonged to ©. I really believed as long as we were together we could work it out. As Glasvegas, sings, “I find it hard to let go and move on lots sometimes; I really thought we could have made it to the end lots sometimes.”

I’ve tried and I will never regret my effort or time. I’ll always know I honored my heart. She mattered to me. She matters now…but she isn’t my responsibility (I keep saying that, maybe someday I will fully accept it).

Nonetheless, as my Doctor reminded me today, this is the reality of my life. Accept it. Face it. Love it. Embrace a radical acceptance of this moment in my life…or suffer.

After my friend told me © is engaged I pulled off the road and sat in the rest area outside of Cleveland and cried. I sat quietly and sat in my pain and loss. I listened as the rain rhythmically thumps against the cloth roof of my car. I watched the rain explode into ripples across my windshield.

And I waited because now I know the power of sitting and being still. I know that despite the storms I witness, I know behind it all the sun still shines.

And behind this storm in my life? An awareness of life’s fleeting impermanence.

What now?

I’m not sure. I’m trying not to fall on a rebound. It’s hard because living on the road is lonely and I want company. I’ve gone on dates, but my heart isn’t there. I know, as Elle Grant at Betrayed Wives Club wrote, “Relying on another to heal my broken heart was a mistake, I’ve learned. Heart healing is an inside job.”

I still feel I have a lot of work to do and need someplace to bury my Hope with Honor and Dignity. I’ll need to keep digging. I’ll practice expressing gratitude for my pain and loss, my gratitude for the experience.

I believe the wolf we feed thrives. I’ll keep feeding love, patience, acceptance, tolerance to the one that grows my heart. I’ll feed the one that gives me power and doesn’t surrender it.

Meanwhile, I will make my way to the ocean and bathe my wounds in the salt air…

A new Pattern awaits…

The last picture I have of us together. 11/2017.
11 - 4
One of the first pictures taken of us together. 11/2011

I care for you deeply but you are not my responsibility. I wish you happiness and joy. I hope Dave is the one

I hope you find your heart and peace.

I will always regret my decisions to betray you but I can only move forward. Thank you for being my Friend, Lover, and Partner. You made my life better. I’m grateful for the time we spent together and honored by your love, sharing, and patience.