152: Paradoxes

41cz0SGKdCL._SY346_It can be true that your husband is a kind, good-hearted soul. And also true that he made choices that hurt you deeply.

Elle Grant

Betrayed Wives Club

Encyclopedia for the Betrayed

Ten months, 15 days later? I find myself still grieving. 

I’m not blaming ©, or making her responsible for fixing my pain or behavior. I’m facing my part, not only of my decisions and the betrayal but also of the dynamics of our relationship beyond my lies and secret keeping. 

What worked in our relationship? What didn’t? What do I need? What do I want? Where was I a kind, good-hearted soul? Where did my choices hurt © deeply?

I’m working on owning it, not hating myself, accepting my humanness, and going through the shit day by day. Outside of the heartbreak of loss, the hardest part is letting go of the self-hate and self-disdain for creating so much pain and hurt.

Maybe © thinks I murdered the man she loved? Did I murder the woman I love?

IMG_20161119_203353660-ANIMATIONAt least I think I created pain and hurt for ©. The truth is I’m guessing. She’s never told me herself. All I’ve gotten is the intermittent rage, revenging, silence, and passive aggressiveness. 

My Doctor (she’s the best) reminds me — repeatedly — © may not be hurting at all: that is simply the story I tell myself.

The Doctor said today, “There isn’t a boot bigger than the one you are kicking your ass with. Until she speaks you don’t know if you really hurt © or just hurt ©’s pride. She’s is not capable now of giving you anything other than silence. That may be all she will ever give you.

The Doctor is right of course.

I know almost nothing about © except she is gone. I don’t even know the truth of why.

The only other thing I know is, as Elle wrote, “I’m a kind, good-hearted soul. I made choices that hurt © deeply.”

I’m learning to live within those paradoxes.

4 thoughts on “152: Paradoxes

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  1. “Until she speaks you don’t know if you really hurt © or just hurt ©’s pride. ”

    As I stroll down memory lane, I asked myself the same thing about a year in. Was I really hurt or was it just my pride? I really think that in the beginning it was more my pride than anything else. Now, though, I’m not so sure. xo Dolly

  2. I think we all have trouble with the concept that someone else can be two different things to different people at the same time. Like when the tv news crew is interviewing stunned neighbors outside a domestic murder-suicide and the neighbor just keeps saying (cue shocked voice) “But he was always so nice and so mild mannered!” Well, maybe to them he was exactly that and maybe that interaction was real. To his partner, however, maybe he was an evil SOB, and that interaction was real as well. I’m trying to come to grips with that about my husband.

    If we struggle with that recognition about others, one can imagine that it’s even harder for us to see it in ourselves. You’re doing the work to figure it all out or at least to gain enlightenment. Keep at it.

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