85: Running Away

You’ve got balls coming back here. I hope if you see me, you will steer clear.

Another Troll

I have a place lined up in Yo-Yo Town, a community of 1,000 people in rural Wisconsin. C and I will invariably see each other unless she sells her house and moves away out of her misplaced fears.

Early in this process, the anxiety of what to do next had me confused, scared, and alone. I was alone with my shame, remorse, and guilt. On the other hand, C had people running to her side and checking on her, listening to her, telling her ghost stories, and projecting intent onto her pain.

I don’t know what is and isn’t true about her pain. All I have is a vacuum and what self-aggrandizing trolls tell me. I told a friend today about how much it hurts that C will not talk to me. Is what the trolls accuse me of what she thinks, is it how she feels, or is it what she thinks about how she feels?

A friend reminded me, “You only know what the trolls’ think and they’re motives have proven questionable. You will never know what she feels or what she thinks because, like so much of your relationship, when it’s hard she ghosts. She continues to expect you to guess and that gives her power.”

What I do know, based on everything she has done is she is afraid.

I’m afraid too.

When I see here do I treat her like she is a stranger? Do I nod? Wave? Try to talk with her?

However, I don’t really have to worry. When she sees me she will run or a Drama Triangle Hero will step forward to “defend” her honor and perhaps try to smother me in the Dairy Mafia’s cheesecloth.

She will run because she is a Distancer. Not from me, but from her fears and feelings. However, I will not Pursue her.

Not because I don’t want to pursue her, but because there is nothing to pursue.