The things that frighten us just want to be held.”
Let’s not bury the lead: I’ve been struggling the last 12 days with depression and yesterday morning, for the first time in eleven months, I woke up actively contemplating suicide.
First, I long to be held and to be seen, to feel her, taste her, touch her and to hear her. The possibility of rejections frightens me.
Maybe that is why I ran…
Two weeks ago I watched as © shuffled past me and ran into the arms of another Hero she loves.
I’m deleting years of my life with her to reflecting a place of radical acceptance and embrace the truth of impermanence.
I can feel the one year Destruction Day stalking the holidays for me.
I thought I was simply grieving and sad.
However, after two hours of sleep and six hours of insomnia the year caught up with me. For the first time yesterday I found myself restlessly tossing about in the bed, in one more Airbnb, depressed, and actively contemplating suicide.
The irony of depression is, you know it, you can name it, you can feel it, you know it is there, and there isn’t a fucking thing anyone else can do to make it better.
All I can do is get into the car and drive one mile further away, one more night alone, one more fucking coffee shop. Most days I strive to be alone because of the energy people take from me – stiff upper lip and all that jazz.
I cannot outdrive depression, loss or grief. I’ve tried. The Pain constantly rides shotgun.
Despite the distance, intention, and effort I remain a wreck…333 nights and days today. 21 states, 60K+ miles. 4 seasons. 250 hotels.
Countless meals alone. Not a word from C in nearly eight months as my heart bleeds out.
Avoiding eye contact. Afraid the simplest kindness will result in one more awkward emotional breakdown conversation with a waitress, desk clerk, on more than one date.
Aren’t I a fun date?
I try not to imagine what Thanksgiving will bring. It seems so far away but it isn’t…I dread the holidays. I have no home.
I struggle with finding hope or meaning. My heart is a stone…I simply wish to go home…but I broke it and that truth is not lost to me.
Might as well be K’un-Lun. Might as well be Atlantis. Might as well be YoYo Town.
I’m going to counseling, I’m dealing with my shit, and I have friends and family that love me and don’t judge me.
They’ve consistently made the ride with me and shared their truth with me. They have held nothing back. They have sought to help me heal by sharing their vulnerability with me. They remind me that power and self-respect is recovered by looking inward and by holding closely what frightens us.
I’m not running. I’m not hiding. I’m not blaming. I’m holding what frightens me.
But I hurt…
I’m not looking to be fixed or saved. It isn’t C’s responsibility to help me heal or look out for my well-being. This is my path and however it ends, it will be defined by how I respond to it.
I hurt and I am adulting…
I know like so much, I accept this is my life and I acknowledge that all of this is temporary…and as long as I walk through it I know there is something more beautiful on the other side…
But there is not enough morphine in the world to numb the self-inflicted pain of loss some days and on those days I’m left to hold my heart alone and acknowledge it is but a stone.
via those who’ve fallen through ~mark nepo
I admit that I need everyone when I fall through. I confess that I need to hold nothing back when I come upon you struggling in the hole of your own making. How I need the skill of heart that lets love meet truth like small lights on ice. In the truth of each other, there is a way out.
~Mark Nepo, Three Intentions blog
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12 thoughts on “Thoughts on Those Who’ve Fallen Through by Mark Nepo via Pathwriter”
Thanks for the note. Franky, the issue is not some arbitrary date causing me a problem, nor is it some overly childish desire to go back in time to previous experience so as to hold onto a romanticized past with an entitled princess. The post was simply making a statement about my thinking about putting a slug in my brain so as to avoid pain, loss, and grief and the roots of that.
Your glib response simply reinforces my belief you didn’t read my entry for what I wrote but for what you think I wrote…
Sean, on one of my really dark days someone told me not to get lost in the despair because it will eventually pass, and not to hang too desperately to the good days because they’re fleeting too. Thus far that has been true.
Stay with us. You have an awful lot to offer the world, and I’m grateful for how much you have helped me.
Here is the national suicide prevention website with really valuable online help and resources: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Phone number: 1-800-273-8255
Hold on Sean, stay in the here and now, not the past. You belong here and now.
If you ever need to talk and see a face that cares, please know I’m here and am available to talk if you need.
You belong here.
Ruminating is for the cows…to much alone time, not enough sleep, and entirely too many ghosts stories does not a sound mind make.
I understand Sean, and I’m so sorry you’re suffering.
We are here for you, Mr. P has been where you are and is SO incredibly grateful to be here. Please know that you don’t want to end your life – you want to end the pain, the shame, the guilt, the memories, the heartache, the loneliness.
If you need to talk, please reach out and we will talk xo
As you know I have attempted my life. I was 19. I became suicidal again at 38 years of age. Then again this past year after both my parents died within 3 months of each other and just before my mom passed away my son was placed into a residential treatment for a year.
I can’t BS you with some cheap ass platitudes. Life can feel hopeless. I’m glad that I was not successful with my suicide attempt. I’m still very depressed and don’t feel happy. I hope that I will feel joy again.
I wish that for you as well my friend. ❤️ Pam
Thanks Pam. I appreciate no platitudes…
I’m numb and I’m tired of being numb…to do what needs done is exhausting. People around me mean well but they can walk with new but they cannot carry the load.
Know you are not alone in the dark
I’m sorry you are in so much pain Sean. I’ve been there too. Thinking about just ending it all to stop the hurt. But you are right, there will be something beautiful at the other end. Hang in there, my friend. I hate to sound cliche, but things will get better… xoxo Dolly
There are a lot of components to this, part of it is, depending on whether I assume the worse or best about ©s intentions, I know that my betrayal, and how she has chosen to cope, pushed her down this path.
I struggle with knowing if this is, as others have said, what she wanted, or as she wrote to me in February and said, this is because she didn’t feel she has a choice.
Separating what is and isn’t mine is part of the healing and learning.
This is going to take time…
I miss her but don’t even know why anymore, and that hurts too…
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