123: Thoughts on The Onus of Healing by A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

Dear C,

I’m really angry with you tonight – and I’m allowed to be angry, you spoiled, pride-filled, little brat.

Eight months, not a word from you after seven years. Not a word.

Another one? There were others? smh.  I realized in January when I stopped responding to posts like this that it says far more about them than it does about me. I smh and feel sorry for them. Written and posted on FB at 6.5 months after the reveal date.

Not a word to me, but you’ve spread all kinds of wordy truths, half-truths, innuendo, and ghost stories about me – but not to me. You’ve rallied people you’ve previously referred to as “dirty old men” to your side and encouraged them to carry your water.

…and you call me manipulative?! There is no blood on your hands is there?

It’s why the Interlopers rant on Facebook and elsewhere about the need for a restraining order because they describe me as an unstable, “terminally-sullied, vacuously inept soul” that is an “inherently flawed, unrepentant, and intellectually myopic wayward creature”?

Meanwhile, for seven of eight months you tell the Chief, I’ve been respectful of your space and I’m not harassing you.

I’ve called you out for doing this before and your only response was, “Prove it.”

I, of course, can prove it…because despite my failings I know you and I know people and as hard as you and your vara have tried to cut me off from my friends and community via lies, slander, and libel people still talk with me. I get my ducks in a row before I make the statement.

For example, when Birdie and I went for a walk last month she asked about Et Al. You clearly left out parts of the story.

I can only imagine what you told Davey, because he accused me of fucking Et Al. Why the hell would you tell him anything?

And so I listen to what they ask and what they say. As I’ve discussed before, I am hypervigilant, perceptive, and understand people and their intentions and motivations. I hear and see what they say and what they don’t say. I intuitively understand people the way you intuitively understand paint. I intuitively understand you – both your beauty and your Ugly.

However, I’ve made entirely too many excuses for your Ugly.

Over the last eight months, I’ve talked with five people that asked me about things you said to them. In some cases, they showed me what you texted to them. Including your request that they don’t tell me you are texting them.

You even went to Star’s sister and asked her to carry a message to Star warning her about me? WTF is wrong with you?!

In other cases, although I’ve been ignoring the direct messages from your Interlopers and Trolls, they’ve had plenty to say – almost all of it ill-informed, ill-intended, malicious, and wrong. But, as they prove over and over they don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story.

And you are either directly responsible for the rumormongering or complicit to it. Although, when the Chief gave you the 76 pages of bullshit from your vara you denied knowing anything about it. Which is also bullshit because it is all over their social media pages and I sent you several copies of Warren’s attacks asking you if this is truly how you felt.

You responded with more silence…but you know.

And like the emotionally manipulative and bitter woman you are, you ignored me and further encouraged the Interloper’s behavior…but that didn’t stop you from taking money from me and telling me that you were too broken, wounded, and fragile to see me or talk to me or talk about “our” art studio and why “we” should keep paying for it.

And like a hopeless romantic dolt, I kept patiently working on getting my heart and truth to you.

Meanwhile, your cohorts turned my vulnerability into an inside joke or some sinister plot. Davey calls me a “punk ass bitch” and refers to me as a “wayward lover” mocking my sincerity. Norm spreads bullshit that you are a victim of a #metoo predator. Warren’s insane, dangerous, and manipulative obsession with your appearance, sex life, and innocence speaks volumes about what he thinks of you.

Of course, each one of them has their own histories with infidelity but that never comes up does it?

The story has spread so far the Bear, that lives two counties away, told the Membership Director of the Toastmaster’s club she couldn’t come because she had a personal problem with me…and then she told the Membership Director the story – not the truth, but the story.

WTF is up with that BS?!

I, on the other hand, for over eight months, I make excuse after excuse after excuse for everything you might have done or said. Everything. Repeatedly. To my own emotional, financial, and mental detriment.

I chalk your behavior up as all my fault.

You keep my power tools. My fault. You throw away my things. My fault. You won’t talk to me about the items we purchased together as a couple. My fault. You call my client, my doctor, and my friends? My fault.

Is anything ever your fault? Are you ever responsible for any behavior that harms another person? Or am I getting what I deserve? NYAG is right, you are being a whiny bitch.

And don’t kid yourself, you have harmed and hurt me. Repeatedly.  Maliciously. Vengefully. Intentionally. Willfully. I kept saying that was my fault too. Those were the consequences of my betrayal.

I call bullshit.

I know who I am. I know what I’ve done. I know what I’m doing to make it better and never repeat this behavior in a relationship or with a woman I love and that loves me.

I’ve owned my behavior. I’m done owning yours.

You have called every single shot since I left and I roll over like a fucking dog hoping you will let me back into the pack. That is an error in judgment. You cannot be trusted. It won’t happen again.

You claim the reason you ended the relationship is I failed to keep you safe. I lied and kept secrets for a variety of reasons but one of the biggest factors was I knew I fucked up and wanted to protect the relationship because the relationship and you were my primary love. I realize now you confuse safety with love. I did too.

Another mistake I won’t make.

I loved you, our life, and our relationship more than my integrity, my honor, my character, or my reputation. I did and said things specifically to avoid this exact outcome. It was never, as others have said, just to get more pussy. There was no other pussy.

Sure, the things with K were Ugly and messy but do you think your situation with your Ex and your boys wasn’t Ugly and messy too for me? But I kept working at it and tried to make it work…and when I fucked up? I suited up, owned it, and worked to do something better the next time.

It isn’t my fault K showed up at the art show. It isn’t my fault she stalked you online. It isn’t my fault K called you. Those were here choices specifically to hurt us…and you chose to accept everything at face value instead of confronting me. I am no more responsible for her choices than yours or you for mine.

Recently the doctor called me out for avoiding conflict: leaving when you sent me to Et Al’s home, paying your bills, not following through on the restraining order, staying away from my home for seven months, not confronting you directly, and not taking you to court over the Civil Union we were living under.

She called me out for avoiding the hard truth with K, Et Al, and your vengeance.

She called me out for walking away from the fight. She called me out for letting you hide behind your Interlopers.

She called me out for deferring to your feelings and ignoring mine, deferring to your wants and needs and ignoring mine and to not directly stepping into the bullshit narrative you have peddled to any man that will act as your shield or sword.

She called me out for avoiding my own anger, hurt, and fears. She called me out for avoiding the risk, uncertainty, and emotional openness.

You – or your Interlopers – have reached out to every single woman and man in the community that has offered me any friendship or support over the last five years and either flat out lied to them about me or peddled only half-truths. There was never adult temper tantrums, violence, broken dishes, verbal abuse, rape, hoarding, or financial impropriety…but that isn’t the narrative Warren, Norm, Davey or your other vara spread.

Other than writing about my feelings, my confusion, my understanding, and my perception I did nothing and said nothing derogatory about you to your friends, family, or OUR artist friends. When I did reach out to the friends that mattered to me I threw myself on the sword and never blamed you.

I repeatedly told people directly and indirectly not to tell me anything you say or do online or in life – because it is up to you to tell me if you want me to know. I’ve asked people not to speak up or defend me.

Unlike Warren did to me, I didn’t set up bogus accounts to stalk you. I didn’t contact third parties and lie about you like you and Warren and others have done towards me. I’ve done nothing to threaten you or intimidate you like Pat, Warren, Davey, and you have done towards me.

Five years we lived together. For seven years I contributed nearly 100% of my energy, love, passion, and treasure to you and your boys. I asked for nearly nothing when we lived together or after you threw me out.

All I wanted was a conversation. That was the only thing I asked for…and your friends mocked my request as a narcissistic attempt at forcing contact. What a load of self-serving bullshit.

Now, when I do ask for the things I brought with me, or we purchased as a couple, you tell the Chief I’m harassing you?!

Once again, eight months later, you’ve chosen to do some unnecessarily petty, vindictive, and childish things. Again.

And frankly, I’m tired of the manipulative, entitled, and bratty crap you pull, not because you care about me, but because you know I care about you and you are too prideful to admit you are ever wrong.

I’m not going to get into it here…but after a recent conversation with the Chief, a little Birdie, my Doctor, and a few other things I’m motived to put it out there because enough is enough…and I’m pissed. And, as an INFP, the art of working through my things is to write about my things.

My betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies destroyed our home. You could have just ended the relationship and walked away. I’ve more than respected that decision.

But out of pride and vengeance, you chose to burn Us to the ground and claimed the mantle of victim. Out of vengence, you tried to run me out of my community and salt the earth around me.

Fuck you. I don’t need you.

Are you going to call my client AGAIN and tell them I’m being mean to you and they should yank my contract? I mean now that I’m not giving you money you want to make sure I’m not getting any either, right? Wasn’t that the intention of making sure Sam knew I fucked my ex-wife in Pittsburgh?

To continue to harm and hurt me?

And here is the really nutty part.

I still care for you. I’m still willing to have the conversations with you. I’m still willing to own the parts I can. Why? Because one of the truths I’m working on is I can be angry and pissed at you and still love and care for you. One of the truths I’m owning is I know you hurt and you don’t ever deal with your feelings. You just shut down and move on. We both know how to I manage that and if you had to see me you know you’d be forced to face your feelings.

And because as the Doctor said, until I learn to face the ugly, uncomfortable, scary, and hard realities of conflict I’m never going to feel safe or have a home. Part of my healing and moving on is to learn and lean into it.

This whole post is about learning and leaning into it.

Here is more nutty…

Because I’ve tried to take the high road over and over with you I still haven’t sold the Shasta.


Because it belonged to Us and I thought we should talk about what to do with it. I didn’t feel right about arbitrarily selling it and keeping the money.

Adults work through the hard stuff even if it is hard.

Does that mean reconcile? Fuck no.

You’re not capable of talking about the hard and Ugly things and I need – no I WANT, someone that will work through the hard and Ugly things and not run away because they are scared or angry or shallow. As soon as we weren’t the “golden couple of YoYo Town” and not the “cutest couple at summer camp” you disappear.

You don’t even have the capacity to admit to me you’re angry. All I get are ghost stories from Interlopers and emails filled with only half the story and when I try to talk about the rest of the story, and how I feel about those things, you call me a narcissist and tell me I’m not capable of changing.

Fuck off. You have no idea what I’m capable of because you ran away and can’t adult about it.

As such, when I read this post by A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction I was both awed by the positive message and pissed at you for adopting such a negative approach to your pain…and to be clear your pain is my pain.

I fucking feeling it through your silence and vengeance.

Which is the whole point isn’t it? But at this point, I don’t care. You deserve nothing from me. I owe you nothing. I’m responsible for nothing – not even your healing.

When we think about physical harm, say a cut on your finger, we don’t question if anyone other than our body is responsible to heal it. We may need physical therapy, aftercare and medical intervention, but healing will take time and the natural ability of your body. Yet when we think about emotional damage due […]

via The onus of healing — A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction


9 thoughts on “123: Thoughts on The Onus of Healing by A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

  1. I’ve been reading from end and beginning but I guess I missed a lot.
    You said you had an open relationship so C was okay with you having sex with people outside the relationship. (That’s what usually causes the biggest hurt in infidelity).
    I guess there were rules – Be open with partner about when, maybe who etc.
    I guess I’m trying to understand C’s side.

    Open relationships come with the risk of development of emotional and romantic feelings and damaged or broken primary relationships. C must have known that going in.
    You broke the rules of the open relationship and then lied to cover it while the relationship continued.
    From this blog it sounds as if C has been very vengeful and hurtful towards you.
    I guess I’m looking for a brief rundown of your crimes.
    IMO sexual relationship is not an issue because she gave consent to go outside relationship. So it comes down to the circumstances?
    What am I missing cuz sounds like you’re being treated like a pariah.

    1. Wanders – #Infidelity is an outcome of an unskillful coping mechanism, everything else is a story someone imagines. Sharing thoughts and letters with those the men and women that #betrayed their Loves, lives, and selves too. What you do today matters most. All anyone can do is own the experience and practice doing better.
      A Reformed Cad says:

      I have no idea what C is feeling or thinking. I only know what she is doing and clearly I have a definite opinion about her behavior…just as she has an opinion about mine. Just as she hasn’t spoken to me in 8 months I can only guess what she is saying about me based on how others in her troop have responded.

      The reality is she had a reasonable explanation of fidelity based on the life plans we were making, the things I was doing, and what she needed and wanted. Sleeping with my ex-wife was the least of my betrayals.

      Ending the relationship was the best thing for C, me and for Us.

  2. I’m still catching up on your backstory but, goodness, did my heart hurt for you while reading this! Can’t imagine dealing with an idiot army of toxic minions everyday 😕

    1. Wanders – #Infidelity is an outcome of an unskillful coping mechanism, everything else is a story someone imagines. Sharing thoughts and letters with those the men and women that #betrayed their Loves, lives, and selves too. What you do today matters most. All anyone can do is own the experience and practice doing better.
      A Reformed Cad says:

      The first 45 days were rough. I responded to each and every blustering bag of wind trying to defend myself and my life with C.

      The next 45 days I got better at ignoring then. After I started the Lexapro for anxiety around Day 100 it got immensely better.

      I couldn’t turn on my email for fear that I’d be ambushed again by Heros feeling a drama triangle. It’s when began ignoring them they started on Facebook and contacting third parties.

      The worse offender is constantly babbling on and on about me being a narcissist but if you read his pages and pages of threats.and armchair psychology it is obvious who is truly the unstable narcissist. He lacks the ability to look in the mirror. I may have my issues but narcissism isn’t the issue.

      Because of how C has used them to take care of her and keep her “safe” from imagined threats it has made an ugly situation unnecessarily uglier.

      Thank you though for the emapthy. This situation sucks for everyone, it doesn’t matter if you are the betrayed, betrayer or the affair partners. Interlopers just make it worse.

      1. Yes, agreed. Interlopers make anything and everything worse. Maybe especially so here where they all come off as white knight wanna-be’s just stirring the pot. Hang in there!

      2. Wanders – #Infidelity is an outcome of an unskillful coping mechanism, everything else is a story someone imagines. Sharing thoughts and letters with those the men and women that #betrayed their Loves, lives, and selves too. What you do today matters most. All anyone can do is own the experience and practice doing better.
        A Reformed Cad says:


  3. blackacre02631 – I'm more than a betrayed wife - I'm a lawyer, a devoted mom of two awesome kids, a travel nut, bookworm, and a daughter - but I blog about the state of my marriage at betrayedwife.net .
    blackacre02631 says:

    Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t allowed to feel this way. Yes, you caused harm, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be subjected to endless abuse. Hang in there.

  4. Walking the Journey – I'm a wife of 27+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
    Walking the Journey says:

    Yes Sean!!!