121: Trickle Truth HELL by Walking the Journey

 

The truth will not set you free. What you do with the truth will.

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Three years ago at a St Paul art show with C, a storm came through at 1:00 a.m. destroying tents including ours. I got up, secured our things and other people’s things. Two hours later went back to bed. Today when I look at the pic I all I see is a metaphor for my life. Also, I miss my dog.

I’ve debated and struggled with when, how, where, and why, or even if, I should keep trying with C.

I read the posts written by the betrayed and I’m reminded of the reality that I don’t want to retraumatize C over and over. Is that what happens when I try to talk with her? When I send her a note? Reach out to her? Send her a Brene Brown book?

As such, I’m left with questions and more questions. Does it anger her? Retraumatize her? Does she laugh at me?

Should I keep trying? Should I not?

I wrote to C last week via Facebook Messenger and said I know she is traumatized, wounded, angry, hurt and I would pay for her counseling one-on-one with, or without, me. I’ve told her this before going back to December.

No expectations. No conditions.

And of course, still, no response.

Screenshot_20161215-121856…but after reading this post from Walking the Journey, and those by Elle, SpaghettiSam, and others, I’m not going to contact her again.

My heart is broken. I’m broken.

C is broken. I think. Maybe.

Is she broken? Is she pretending? Did I break her? I have no idea.

The truth? I’ll never know.

Everything I know about what C thinks and feels has trickled out from interlopers and passive aggressive silent treatment.

That has to be enough.

I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being vulnerable. I’m tired of the rumors, the stories, the silence from friends and foes. I’m tired of caring about amends, intentions, and the uncertainty. I’m tired of carrying so much weight. I’m tired of the rumormongering, defending myself, my life, my life with C, and always being on emotionally, mentally, and physical edge.

Eight months of silence but I still feel her. She was my soul’s sole purpose. I’m not wandering…but seriously, I’m not home either.

I look in the mirror every morning and I know I blew it and in the process destroyed a relationship and Love. All I see are sad eyes hiding behind a thespian’s smile.

Now I have to start over without her. I have this life to fix brick by brick…and I’m overwhelmed…but I’m doing it anyway.

Trickle truth sucks. Just tell the truth in the beginning.

via Trickle Truth HELL — Walking the Journey

3 thoughts on “121: Trickle Truth HELL by Walking the Journey

  1. “I’ve debated and struggled with when, how, where, and why, or even if, I should keep trying with C.” That’s a tough one. I’m not sure if yours involved trickle truth, but speaking from the betrayed perspective and one who dealt with the gradual slippage of reality, this is the hardest thing mentally that I’ve dealt with my entire life. There’s no closure if trickle truth is involved, it feels as if you’re always holding your breath, waiting to inhale but you can’t because you can’t trust what your about to breathe back in is oxygen or a poison. When you are repeatedly told, “I swear, that’s all,” but there’s more – you begin to doubt your own intuition, and as a woman – that’s one of our best assets that we can not afford to be without. Not to be a pessimist, but speaking from my perspective- that’s what it did to my mentality..I’m always waiting on the other shoe to drop.
    I hope whatever your decision, you and C can find some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She has never asked me a question. There is no trickle truth…I owned it all publicly in my journal.

      I would answer anything truthfully and directly…she isn’t interested.

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