The truth will not set you free. What you do with the truth will.
I’ve debated and struggled with when, how, where, and why, or even if, I should keep trying with C.
I read the posts written by the betrayed and I’m reminded of the reality that I don’t want to retraumatize C over and over. Is that what happens when I try to talk with her? When I send her a note? Reach out to her? Send her a Brene Brown book?
As such, I’m left with questions and more questions. Does it anger her? Retraumatize her? Does she laugh at me?
Should I keep trying? Should I not?
I wrote to C last week via Facebook Messenger and said I know she is traumatized, wounded, angry, hurt and I would pay for her counseling one-on-one with, or without, me. I’ve told her this before going back to December.
No expectations. No conditions.
And of course, still, no response.
My heart is broken. I’m broken.
C is broken. I think. Maybe.
Is she broken? Is she pretending? Did I break her? I have no idea.
The truth? I’ll never know.
Everything I know about what C thinks and feels has trickled out from interlopers and passive aggressive silent treatment.
That has to be enough.
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being vulnerable. I’m tired of the rumors, the stories, the silence from friends and foes. I’m tired of caring about amends, intentions, and the uncertainty. I’m tired of carrying so much weight. I’m tired of the rumormongering, defending myself, my life, my life with C, and always being on emotionally, mentally, and physical edge.
Eight months of silence but I still feel her. She was my soul’s sole purpose. I’m not wandering…but seriously, I’m not home either.
I look in the mirror every morning and I know I blew it and in the process destroyed a relationship and Love. All I see are sad eyes hiding behind a thespian’s smile.
Now I have to start over without her. I have this life to fix brick by brick…and I’m overwhelmed…but I’m doing it anyway.
Trickle truth sucks. Just tell the truth in the beginning.