We’re drowning in information and starving for knowledge.
As C has dealt with the emotional and mental fallout of my betrayal she did it from the comfort of her home.
Every night she cuddled with the dog and the two cats. She slept in a bed every night in a warm house surrounded by the things that brought her comfort. Anything reminding her of me ended up painted over and in the trash or garage almost immediately.
For the first sixty to ninety days she never had to figure out how she was going to pay the bills as I contributed a significant amount even as I lived on the road. She has never had to worry about where to sleep, where to shower, or how to make a hot meal. Not once did she have to get up in the morning and wonder where she was going to sleep next.
When she got up she could walk downstairs, make coffee in her coffee pot, sit at her table, and look out her windows. She didn’t have to rush off to work. If she felt like working she could walk into the living room or walk 600 yards to the art studio.
Around Day 75 she found a new Patsy.
She did this surrounded by her friends and family telling her I am a narcissist, criminal, and dangerous regardless of what she knew about me. She either told, believed, or accepted these stories without a single question to me.
Maybe it is easier to believe she already knew all the answers. Maybe she just decided I was only capable of lies and deception.
Maybe, as she told K, she really was “looking for a reason to kick [me] out of the house.”
Maybe I was just a rebound.
I have no idea what C thinks or feels because she has never said. Although the trolling has provided a treasure trove of information about what a small number of people think and feel towards me, C’s silent treatment has left me starving for knowledge. I’ll eventually make peace with never knowing but five months later the wound is still tender.
Trolls have accused me of confusing C. Any heartfelt communication was condemned as manipulation of C and her feelings. Strangers have accused me of gaslighting her, isolating her, and manipulating her. All based on cherry-picked evidence and rumors. Every action, even healthy and truthful ones, are warped by overactive imaginations into a season-long story arc of Shameless. Every action regardless of intention became feedstock fueling confirmation bias.
If the trolling comments are any indication, people made sure she knew she was a victim of a villain. My trolls – her friends – continue to remind her they think any good feelings she has was built on a lie.
Every night she had knowledge of where she slept and with that came stability, comfort, security, and peace of mind.
As she recently said to a friend, her “life is back on track.”
I’m glad actually. I don’t resent her at all for those things.
I read the stories of the men and women still living in the unpredictable chaos of betrayal, secret-keeping, and the escalating series of lies necessary to muffle the sound of the infidelity and I don’t want that for her. I’d rather she forget me, if that is what she needs to do. I never wanted anything but stability, safety, and comfort for her.
I want her to be happy, joyous, and free.
If not with me, then where ever she is and with whomever she chooses. I want for her what I want for myself. I want her to be more fully herself.
It is all I’ve ever wanted for her.