“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
I made the decision to spend some time with K after Aril 22.
Part of the decision was to help get closure on my betrayal, to give her details on any secrets she may want to know about and to come clean on any one of the hundreds of escalating lies I told her.
My betrayal of C, and the subsequent behaviors and the betrayal of K are inexorably linked. One betrayal cannot exist without the other. K deserves consideration and closure too. She too has a right to confront me.
K and I have met now for a total of seven to eight hours in the last week and talked. I’ve agreed to go to her doctor’s if she thinks it would be useful in confronting or talking with me.
Whatever happens next will not be because I’m afraid to face my shames and humiliations. I want all the pain, hurt, secrets, and truth out…even as my pride, shame, and humiliation rebels.
When you lean into the wall of hurt and loss with intention, eventually the wall will give. On the other side of the wall may very well be the thing that led you this way. If I do not move towards my fear, I cannot learn from it. I cannot learn to accept myself if I run from that which scares me.
I know what I did. I know who I am.
Every day is a new day.