88: K
“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
I made the decision to spend some time with K after Aril 22.
Part of the decision was to help get closure on my betrayal, to give her details on any secrets she may want to know about and to come clean on any one of the hundreds of escalating lies I told her.
My betrayal of C, and the subsequent behaviors and the betrayal of K are inexorably linked. One betrayal cannot exist without the other. K deserves consideration and closure too. She too has a right to confront me.
K and I have met now for a total of seven to eight hours in the last week and talked. I’ve agreed to go to her doctor’s if she thinks it would be useful in confronting or talking with me.
Whatever happens next will not be because I’m afraid to face my shames and humiliations. I want all the pain, hurt, secrets, and truth out…even as my pride, shame, and humiliation rebels.
When you lean into the wall of hurt and loss with intention, eventually the wall will give. On the other side of the wall may very well be the thing that led you this way. If I do not move towards my fear, I cannot learn from it. I cannot learn to accept myself if I run from that which scares me.
I know what I did. I know who I am.
Every day is a new day.
I don’t understand. I’m sorry, I’m trying to, but why don’t you feel any animosity towards K? Any anger? Any betrayal? You, yourself, was going to confront C. You had it planned, you had it thought out of when, why, how and where. K took that away from you. K confronted C without your permission, without your consent and without care and disregard to you. Are you holding your feelings back from K to resolve her issues? What about yours? Does she know the damage (yes, she caused some too) to C? I couldn’t imagine hearing from a “lover” about my b/f betrayal. K took that from you. K betrayed you. Have you been able to tell K the damage she did to you? Don’t take all the blame for this RC. She played a hand in it also. She should have respected you enough to let you confront C on your terms. She took that choice away from you. Does K know that? I’m glad to hear your on speaking terms and helping K, I am (really); but I’m also worried that your hiding your own resentment and anger about what she did to you. I know your going to say I’m totally wrong, and that’s okay. I just had to get this off my chest. You know I wish you the best always!!
There is a great deal in your comment.
I don’t think you are totally wrong…but I’m driving this morning. I’ll come back to this tonight.
Thanks for writing. Here are my thoughts.
Everyone in this situation had choices. I had choices not to betray C, not to sleep with K, not to lie or keep secrets. There were a 1,000 other choices I could have made that would have avoided this entire trainwreck. I showed a consistent lack of maturity in dealing with my options about my betrayal.
I can step-back and see how every choice led me to this place I am in now. I don’t blame C or K for me living out of my van for over five months now. I’m more or less, exactly where I thought I would be.
There have been benefits to my betrayal as well (a phrase which irritates many of the betrayed I’ve talked with but none the less true). I’ve talked about it before and so won’t rehash them here. I have a good life without C. Not the life I wanted but I cannot have everything I want. I can do anything but I cannot do everything.
However, to your point? I am angry with K. I’m also angry with C. There is no shortage of selfishness in this situation on anyone’s part. Two wrongs won’t make it right. After talking to K, I’m even more convinced C was looking for an out from our relationship regardless of what narrative she weaves to the contrary. If she wanted something else she would have done something else. She was working on a new boyfriend for a while I think before she left.
Therefore, while I am angry with K for interjecting herself into my life I appreciate her breaking the cycle of shame I was trapped within. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t have to like why it happened I just have to make the most of the opportunities that follow. I failed C. I failed K. I failed friends. I failed myself. However, I failed in this part of my relationship with C. In many others I was incredibly successful.
As such, I’m learning my lessons and moving forward with whatever happens next. I may not have loved C perfectly, I loved her completely. I can build on that for the next chapter of my life.