96.1: Join Me (WTF was I thinking?)

“A foolish consistency is the hobgobblin of little minds.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Every tune I play falls on deaf ears.

Last week I said I was going to make my WordPress account to private.

What the hell was I thinking?

Earlier this week C did something vengeful and petty, playing the matador to strike my flanks. Apparently, she was angry about something someone else posted as a comment on one of my posts. However, I can only guess her real motives. 

Regardless of her motivations, I’ve worked to place myself in a position where I cannot be blackmailed or shamed. I’ve adopted a compassionate and forgiving approach to her betrayals – and mine – so I’m not lashing back with my Ugly.

That must be confusing.

I also learned the Troll Patrol, is not content to be ignored, used multiple public posts on FB, and my name, to continue to insert themselves into a situation that has nothing to do with them.

Nothing.

They do this even as I work to protect their anonymity. As some point in time, they may realize how childish and wrong their behavior toward me has become. I’m not seeking to humiliate them further. Even after six months these sixty and seventy-year-old adults continue to lie and gossip like middle schoolers on the playground.

They too are worthy of compassion.

As a public FB post, everyone in the Troll Patrols circle of friends (including mine) saw the post. Everyone in their circles saw their comments. It was another attempt at public intimidation and harassment. They simply prove my point about their motives being selfish and grandiose over and over.

However, like so much of their behavior, it isn’t about me or C. It is about propping themselves up as C’s Drama Triangle Heros. Unless she tells me directly I’ve recognized they don’t speak for C. Early on C told me she didn’t want F, or anyone else, to act as mediators. I act accordingly.

Last night, I was talking to friends about my decision to make my posts private and how annoyed I am with the insertion of outside opinions into this situation by interlopers. When I’ve tried to block my personal troll he just created an alias WP and Twitter account to continue trying to stalk me and manipulate my hurt and humiliation.

He acts as if this is a challenge. He is not capable of seeing me as a person but as a static villain.

Then this morning I read Mark Nepo’s May 20th page on change and we can choose to embrace change or stay the same based on what others expect.

Combined, these truths brought me to the realization that moving my posts is simply conforming. Making my posts private is an attempt to control the impact of critics and trolls and make C more comfortable. It will in no way change their behaviors or opinions.

Fuck them.

Many people have publically and privately told me they appreciate my vulnerability and how it helps them. Their feedback helps me too. We are all in this together.

I owe C amends, truthfulness, and honesty. At this point, I owe her nothing else. She isn’t interested in a conversation.

She has never asked me to stop writing or posting. The one time she brought to my attention something she really didn’t like around Day 65 I changed it for her. When a recent blog comment hurt her feelings (or pride) I defended her hurt and threw myself onto the sword. She really did rule the roost.

It has never been my intention to publically humiliate C or shame her. It has never been my intention to create a false narrative making me look better. There is nothing in my betrayal, secret-keeping, or escalating series of lies that make me look good or noble, Without exception, every behavior was about covering up my behavior to protect my pride and keep my relationship with C.

However, since K did me the unintentional favor of helping me break the cycle of shame I’ve repeatedly and consistently owned my behavior and subsequent behavior and adulted. This is consistent with almost all of my behaviors in many other areas of my relationship with C.

I’ve talked openly about how, why, and what of my betrayal so I’m not going to rehash it here again. Here are the CliffNotes version: I know what I did was wrong and immature.  I knew while I was doing it. I know who I am and not everything was wrong and immature. I know what I want. I know what I need.

If it appears I don’t, well as Walt Whitman wrote, “If I contradict myself, I contradict myself. I contain multitudes.”

Reading what I write is your choice. I’m not responsible for your choices. I’m not responsible for what you think. I’m not responsible for how you feel. Trying to manage those things is why I’m living out of a van. It is why I lied. It is why I kept secrets. I’m responsible for telling you the truth and being honest based on my experience. If I had experienced other things, I’d have other things to say.

Therefore, I’m leaving my blog open and will continue writing. It will be this way until I say everything I need to say, until my book on this experience is finished, or until I decide to contradict myself again.

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17 thoughts on “96.1: Join Me (WTF was I thinking?)

  1. I don’t know they are worthy of compassion. More like pity. I don’t know why you are so nice to them all. Except of course ‘an eye for an eye’ really doesn’t achieve anything. So yes your non-confrontational stance is to be admired and could be your greatest asset in this insane internet battle.

    As for C, well I could say a few things but what’s the point. Anyone that bitter and vindictive won’t care what the likes of me says, and it’ll only justify her position and fan the flames of her partially misplaced anger. There comes a time when you have to walk away and get your own life in order. I guess it depends on what sort of a life you have as to whether or not you choose to walk away and start again as most people would and should. There is nothing admirable in what is going on here. It serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever to scorn you like this. At least you are taking what you did and turning it into a resource others can use to deal with similar issues from both sides of the coin.

    I still think you should lock your sites down. It won’t stop the people who find your site useful from accessing it. It’ll simply keep out the people that don’t deserve to see your words. All you are doing is encouraging them (which of course doesn’t take a lot). The only thing that will stop them is continued silence, white noise. Nothing. Niente!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I tried that and my personal troll started an alias on Twitter and WP and dumped on Dolly.

      The other two simply openly posted the truth, half-truth, ghost stories and outright lies on FB.

      It’s funny, as I’ve tuned them out they have only escalaed and sought out new opportunities to slander me publically and maliciously.

      Fuck them…

      BTW, they think I’m building a team to gang up on C. As if there aren’t enough real fucked up behaviors I engaged in now they are making shit up.

      C denies knowing anything about it.

      *eyeroll*

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Also, I’m moving on.

      I’ll talk with her if she ever decided she needed closure but I am finished other than the emotional hangovers. Those will pass with intention and time.

      No rush.

      I’ve got other priorities.

      I’ll add, if I make it private than I have to waste time policing it. Fuck ’em.

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      1. Fair enough. At least everyone is aware of the trolls which means we can keep an eye out for them on our sites. There’s only so many ways they can try and infiltrate. Can we have a weekly listing of aliases please so we know who to look out for. DM me any you have and I’ll double check. 🙂

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  2. I do understand that you’re having to deal with the very public fallout of a relationship that disintegrated mostly due to infidelity- but you have to stop a minute and try to saturate yourself in the empathy necessary to really be in the shoes of the person you betrayed. No one is perfect but the old “it’s not what I did , it’s how you responded to it “ schtick is as old as cheating itself.
    Every human is going to be tempted in every single relationship they ever have. Sadly, your dirty laundry is on display at this point but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around your indignation regarding your treatment by C and her friends. Sometimes the bill comes due and you pay a price. It’s not fun, but in life sometimes you have to take the gut punch and own your mistakes. Yeah, I did that. It was awful. I m gonna take the L.
    I guess it’s simply me saying that while it’s great you’re working through this and taking responsibility publicly, C is also entitled to her response as her friends and supporters are allowed to help her in whatever way they see fit that’s within reason.
    I suspect with time you two can eventually be friendly again, but allow her to use whatever methods she needs to in order to move ahead. Try not to put too much stock in the volitile protectiveness of her pals. I’m fiercely loyal and protective of the people in my life as well:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Duf!

      I have no problem with C choosing to end the relationship. It hurts like hell but I do understand. It is why I’ve made no demands, threats, or begged for her attention. She sent me away. I’ve stayed away. She needs to do what she needs to do to move forward. I accept all of this as a natural consequence of my betrayal. I also accept C’s need to do the many things she has done and said. Those are also consequences of my betrayal. That is the reality of my consequences.

      Everything else is speculation on my part as C has refused to discuss it with me in any meaningful way…other than silence and ending the relationship (as is her right). As such, I have no idea what C thinks, feels, or thinks about what she feels. And in reality, it is none of my business unless she chooses to share her hurt and anger with me. As such, I’m left to make meaning of it all.

      Which is one reason I try to read the writings and interact with the women and men I have met that have been betrayed. Lack of empathy isn’t the problem.

      But for a moment, let’s lean into the concept of “it’s not what I did, it’s how you’ve responded.” My betrayal is totally what I did. It was an emotionally immature and selfish act among other things. I know what I did. There is no excuse for it. I am ultimately accountable to my choices. The flip side is also true, C and her friends are responsible for theirs.

      What they choose to do is on them and blaming me for their actions and decisions is no different than me blaming C or K for my lying, cheating, and secret-keeping. “I’m getting what I deserve” applies to a limited number of consequences. At some point, it becomes abusive and not simply cathartic expression. Also, pals don’t get to decide where the line is… The key phrase is “within reason.” Nothing in their words or deeds have been within reason.

      I’m not angry at C for the path she has chosen (I’ve consistently respected that line) but after six months, when both C and I are moving on, its time for her pals to move on too.

      They are interlopers and not pals. Her family have been respectful of the situation, her closest friends have said nothing to me. The only wordy ones are well outside our core social circles and have no high moral ground.

      Without getting into the mechanics of the issue, her pals have escalated in the last few weeks in such a way it can no longer be simply ignored. There are other things going on behind the scenes I choose not to write about in detail as it serves no purpose but to add further angst to this experience.

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      1. Yes, I was wondering if there had been some sort of new incident that had gotten everyone riled up . I do believe that with time, things eventually simmer down and leave you with the original players.
        There seems to be a lot of ghastly theatrical drama that swirls around the entire incident – which as a Sicilian I find interesting because we just eliminate our problems and bury them in the concrete foundations of our local buildings. Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. From my perspective, outside of the obvious, the interlopers have actively fueled a drama triangle. C’s always the victim of a nefarious and sinister plot and they are the Hero’s running to her rescue. My decision to step outside of that dynamic, and refuse to be the case as simply a one-dimensional villain has caused them to escalate. Which is why the concept of “within reason.” Their perspective is that anything they say and do is within reason.

        They believe they are the enforcers of appropriate social behavior and are “helping.” My blog would be largely anonymous if they hadn’t outed it publically.

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  3. NWAG wrote: “At least you are taking what you did and turning it into a resource others can use to deal with similar issues from both sides of the coin.”
    Sean, I sincerely mean it when I say your writings have helped me tremendously on my healing journey from my own betrayal experience. You have helped me believe that a person who has betrayed one he says he loves can accept responsibility and behave with courage and humility. Someday, if you want, and if I can, I will share more with you privately. But for now, your writings continue to matter greatly to me. I would wish for you to do whatever you need to do to be able to continue in a healing pathway for yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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