“A foolish consistency is the hobgobblin of little minds.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Last week I said I was going to make my WordPress account to private.
What the hell was I thinking?
Earlier this week C did something vengeful and petty, playing the matador to strike my flanks. Apparently, she was angry about something someone else posted as a comment on one of my posts. However, I can only guess her real motives.
Regardless of her motivations, I’ve worked to place myself in a position where I cannot be blackmailed or shamed. I’ve adopted a compassionate and forgiving approach to her betrayals – and mine – so I’m not lashing back with my Ugly.
That must be confusing.
I also learned the Troll Patrol, is not content to be ignored, used multiple public posts on FB, and my name, to continue to insert themselves into a situation that has nothing to do with them.
They do this even as I work to protect their anonymity. As some point in time, they may realize how childish and wrong their behavior toward me has become. I’m not seeking to humiliate them further. Even after six months these sixty and seventy-year-old adults continue to lie and gossip like middle schoolers on the playground.
They too are worthy of compassion.
As a public FB post, everyone in the Troll Patrols circle of friends (including mine) saw the post. Everyone in their circles saw their comments. It was another attempt at public intimidation and harassment. They simply prove my point about their motives being selfish and grandiose over and over.
However, like so much of their behavior, it isn’t about me or C. It is about propping themselves up as C’s Drama Triangle Heros. Unless she tells me directly I’ve recognized they don’t speak for C. Early on C told me she didn’t want F, or anyone else, to act as mediators. I act accordingly.
Last night, I was talking to friends about my decision to make my posts private and how annoyed I am with the insertion of outside opinions into this situation by interlopers. When I’ve tried to block my personal troll he just created an alias WP and Twitter account to continue trying to stalk me and manipulate my hurt and humiliation.
He acts as if this is a challenge. He is not capable of seeing me as a person but as a static villain.
Then this morning I read Mark Nepo’s May 20th page on change and we can choose to embrace change or stay the same based on what others expect.
Combined, these truths brought me to the realization that moving my posts is simply conforming. Making my posts private is an attempt to control the impact of critics and trolls and make C more comfortable. It will in no way change their behaviors or opinions.
Many people have publically and privately told me they appreciate my vulnerability and how it helps them. Their feedback helps me too. We are all in this together.
I owe C amends, truthfulness, and honesty. At this point, I owe her nothing else. She isn’t interested in a conversation.
She has never asked me to stop writing or posting. The one time she brought to my attention something she really didn’t like around Day 65 I changed it for her. When a recent blog comment hurt her feelings (or pride) I defended her hurt and threw myself onto the sword. She really did rule the roost.
It has never been my intention to publically humiliate C or shame her. It has never been my intention to create a false narrative making me look better. There is nothing in my betrayal, secret-keeping, or escalating series of lies that make me look good or noble, Without exception, every behavior was about covering up my behavior to protect my pride and keep my relationship with C.
However, since K did me the unintentional favor of helping me break the cycle of shame I’ve repeatedly and consistently owned my behavior and subsequent behavior and adulted. This is consistent with almost all of my behaviors in many other areas of my relationship with C.
I’ve talked openly about how, why, and what of my betrayal so I’m not going to rehash it here again. Here are the CliffNotes version: I know what I did was wrong and immature. I knew while I was doing it. I know who I am and not everything was wrong and immature. I know what I want. I know what I need.
If it appears I don’t, well as Walt Whitman wrote, “If I contradict myself, I contradict myself. I contain multitudes.”
Reading what I write is your choice. I’m not responsible for your choices. I’m not responsible for what you think. I’m not responsible for how you feel. Trying to manage those things is why I’m living out of a van. It is why I lied. It is why I kept secrets. I’m responsible for telling you the truth and being honest based on my experience. If I had experienced other things, I’d have other things to say.
Therefore, I’m leaving my blog open and will continue writing. It will be this way until I say everything I need to say, until my book on this experience is finished, or until I decide to contradict myself again.
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