102: Back on track

Hurt people hurt people so they don’t have to deal with their own pain. 

Brene Brown

Screenshot_20180513-202841.pngIt didn’t have to be this ugly.

I’ve been thinking about C’s decision to adopt the label of a narcissist to describe me. By willing adopting this diagnosis de jour even the most heartfelt actions will appear sinister. 

Appropriate or simply convenient, C is entitled to her opinion. As such, her solution has been to maintain zero contact.

As she is committed to this approach she has done an excellent job. An approach many of the betrayed women I interact with admire. As six months of silence has demonstrated she is committed to it.

Mostly.

Although, she has repeatedly done other things to be vengeful and vindictive – anything to avoid feeling the pain. C knows it. I know it. The details dont matter. It’s typical betrayal relationship dynamics. She does it because she still cares – and is hurt and angry. 

Mostly.

Esther Perel, Mark Nepo and Brene Brown talk about this pain, hurt and behavior repeatedly. Neither of us are acting out of character for the hurt we both carry.

What matters is, other than some shitty emails at the first of February, we’ve had almost zero contact except on finishing the last details. She thinks, or feels, I’m a narcissist and she acts accordingly. All of her family and life-long friends act accordingly.

Mostly.

Even Patsy has shown more class after his childish threats to have the Cumberland Mafia smother me in cheesecloth. I assume he meant when they finished with their Friday night cow tipping event.

Compare this to the D-Lister driven Drama Triangle theater and their common enemy intimacy.

Over the last six months, all three have attempted to garner support for their views, spread lies, innuendo, and rumors about me. They’ve repeatedly inserted themselves into a situation having nothing to do with them and positioning themselves as the heroes in the Drama Triangle they repeatedly fuel and painting C as a victim.

They openly admit their goal is to poison the goodwill around me. 

They accuse me of grooming people and creating a group to stalk C and them. All accusations without merit.

The Troll Patrol never presents anything other than rants, insults, opinions, and armchair psychology. They have no evidence of stalking, harassing, bullying, threatening, or any other actions – because those behaviors never happened. All they have are overactive imaginations, too much time on their hands, and common enemy intimacy.

Meanwhile, they saber-rattle about restraining orders but offer nothing but hyperbole, rumors, and name-calling. They toss about labels painting me as a Villian (and trying to provoke a reaction) while building sympathy for C as a victim. In each case, they present themselves as maligned and misunderstood Heroes protecting an endangered C.

They’ve consistently attempted to gaslight the truth about my relationship and life with C.

The world would be a better place if people would tend their own garden as opposed to trying to dump their shit into other people’s yards.

A few things.

First, if people believe I’m a narcissist, they should be the ones advocating a zero contact approach. Instead, when I ignore them they escalate over and over spinning more and more outlandish yarns, creating fake WordPress and Twitter profiles to stalk and harass me, and solicit support for their nonsense on public Facebook posts.

The more I ignore them the more indignant and entitled they act. They’ve done more to push traffic to my online journal than anything I could have done.

Secondly, I only care to the extent they threaten me or my livelihood. Everything else is self-aggrandizing nonsense. I recognize their ill-informed opinion of me is none of my business as they’ve latched onto C’s anger, vengeance, and resentments to justify their slanderous attacks and make themselves more important to the story than they actually are.

A friend reminded me, these contempt-filled people are trapped by pride. These interlopers have invested so much ego, energy, and time to hyping a misleading and reckless narrative they have backed themselves into a corner. Admitting they don’t actually know and could be wrong would take a level of self-awareness and humility at this point they don’t possess. It’s easier for them to double down than to sit down.

As I said, six months later their behavior they still read every word I write and pretend some insight they don’t actually have. It isn’t about C or me anymore, it’s about their own pride.

Thirdly, as I’ve said before – repeatedly in my journal, Twitter, and on Facebook – if C believes I’m stalking, harassing, threatening, slandering, or spreading lies about her, she should provide the information to law enforcement immediately. Stalking and harassing are not things to be ignored. 

If true a restraining order is a reasonable first step.

img_20180424_145605173.jpgLastly, the only opinions mattering are mine and C’s. However, C has adopted a Zero Contact approach. I have no idea what her opinion of me is or what she thinks.

As I’ve repeated elsewhere, ad nauseam, C has every right to end the relationship and cut off contact. She doesn’t owe me any conversation, explanations, closure, or consideration.

Everything she has done is a reflection of how she feels and what she thinks.

As I’ve done since Day 1, I’ve submitted to her choice while still letting her know I would have made myself available and vulnerable to her. Up until recently, my heart was open to her.

She isn’t interested.

However, as C hasn’t said otherwise, what she thinks and feels is not my concern. Anything I choose to do now is based on what I know and is best for me at this moment.

I’m just living my life as I see fit; even though it’s a bit of a train wreck. I’m getting my life back on track, rediscovering my power, and reclaiming my self-respect. Every day I’m reclaiming my life from the realities of my betrayal of C and K.

It’s a lot of work, but I am responsible for creating the fellowship – and life – I crave.

2 thoughts on “102: Back on track

    1. It’s funny, in the Troll Patrol’s most recent series of online rants about me is they’ve been reduced to making fun on one of my favorite songs (The Constellations, We’re here to save the day)

      Their behavors really have all the maturity of middle schoolers. They’ve turned one of the most devestating and humiliating events of my adult life and C’s hurt into their own inside joke.
      And yet they accuse me of being shallow and lacking empathy.

      Like

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