Holding Back by Fridays Guest Writer (04)



Every Friday I invite someone to tell their story. This is the fourth week and I wasn’t sure what to make of this story when I read it. The reality is until you walk in someone else’s shoes you really will never know why they make the decisions they make. Often even they don’t know why. They simply do the best they can do and muddle through.

Many days that is the best anyone can do.

I’m excited about today’s author.

Let the pain have purpose.

About the Author

I’m keeping myself anonymous, for now, due to the status of both relationships I’m involved in. I don’t know C, and I don’t know K; but I have followed all of RC’s blogs from day one of his venture away from Yo-Yo Town and his planned return.

RC, thank you for the invite to be a guest writer. Putting this in writing, and actually re-reading this back to myself has been very insightful.

What is holding me back?

Did my affair happen because of loneliness or fate? Maybe due to my love of sex or maybe due to my lack of sex. I’m not sure which drove me to cheat; but to this day, I still cheat and have no regrets.

Just a touch of background history. First marriage lasted 10 years and I was married to a kinky horny toad of a man. Sex every day, everywhere and anyway. Things went south, who knows why, who cares now.

Then my rebound happened.

Fast forward 18 years and now I’m married to my rebound.

Something happened 12 years ago and my husband shut the door on our sex life. And me, the good little obedient wife, stayed noble, faithful and celibate. Two years ago my libido reawakened if that’s what you want to call it. I did the ultimate “no-no”; I answered a craigslist ad and went to strangers home, knocked on the door and entered.

BTW, the ad stated NSA (No Strings Attached).

Thus, the start of my affair.

As a horrible liar, my husband found out about my affair 6 months later. We sat on the couch and I told him to ask me whatever he wanted and I would answer all his questions with the truth. He told me to leave and I did, but not immediately. I’m thankful that I hung around awhile because that evening my husband tried to commit suicide.

I did leave that night, but I returned at a later time; my choice. My Affair Partner (AP), I feel, was not mentally nor emotionally ready for me to move in with him that soon.

It has not been “forgive and forget”, it has not been all cupcakes and rainbows. I can truly say that it is my fault. You see, my AP and I are still seeing each other, but I have found my soulmate and I truly am in love for the first time in my life.

You’re asking yourself, “why don’t I just leave?”

My AP thinks it’s because I’m scared, scared of change. I’ve told a friend that I’m scared my husband will try to commit suicide again. I’ve told my family that I don’t leave because I don’t want to take my grandson’s papaw away. I tell myself that I’m scared my AP will leave me (pass away, age difference) and I’ll be alone.

I want to leave my husband and go to my AP forever. I honestly don’t want to hurt either man, and I know I am or will. My husband knows I’m unhappy, thinks I’m staying around because of the grandsons and asks, “Why don’t you just go?”

Why after two years, why cannot I just wake up one day and go? What is truly holding me back?

The men are as different as night and day. One loves me, loves my body, loves to make me happy, loves to be with me and loves to make our sex life sparkle and shine. My husband, complete opposite of everything I just stated. I have been ignored and overlooked since 2006. He claims there are several reasons “why”, but none pan out to the truth.

My AP wants me, loves me…unconditionally. He wants to marry me, start a life for us, travel, retire and live happily ever after. Why I am scared to leave? What am I afraid of? Why can’t I walk thru that door and never look back? What is this grip of fear I have?

I’m so emotionally attached mind, body, and soul to my AP. It should be easy for me to up and say goodbye to my husband and tell him I’m leaving him. That I want out. That I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

That I want a divorce.

Guess what, I’m still here with my husband. I’m still cheating. I’m still in love with my AP.

And I still don’t know why I can’t leave.