Thoughts on the Flying Monkeys (The Narcissist’s Tool for the Smear Campaign)

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying there aren’t “narcissists in the world, just not as many as you would guess from the number diagnosed as narcissists by disappointed partners.”

33: Lies and Anger

In those moments when my Anger and Pride conspire to make up stories no amount of Truth will be heard. These stories, once accepted and internalized will blind me from any perspective other than my own. In this place I will always find things to confirm the bias of my angry pride.

Thoughts on The Six Kinds of Loneliness by Pema Chödrön

As we all do who are angry, hurt, shame-filled and unskillful, “we automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another,” adds Chödrön, “identifying with victory or victimhood.” I reality I have at times alternated between both rolls in an attempt to avoid what seems like desperate, despair-inducing loneliness. I can not blame C for K for that. I am very clear it is my lack of emotional skill, experience, and training.

Thoughts on Ghosting by Esther Perel

When I saw Esther Perel’s continuum summarizing a Relationship Accountability Spectrum, I was like, “Holy FUCK! Ghosting?! That is exactly what has happened over the last year! That is what she did! That is how I feel and behave! I’m not crazy or irrational!”

14: K

My marriage to K was a wonderful, meaningful relationship too. I never regretted marrying K but I have all too often regretted not making the most of it.

The question becomes then, “Why don’t you go back to your ex-wife?”

09: A Rounding Error

I’m fiercely proud of my history with C. I loved her well but not perfectly. I know my betrayal et al caused suffering for her and our family. However, the dates matter to me simply because every day with C meant something important to my life.

07: Boundaries

I keep stepping on ©’s boundaries. Sometimes I step over them, and a few times I work the loophole. It’s manipulative as fuck.

It’s been in a blind spot and now that I see it I am responsible to change it.

153.03: The Pattern (Part 3)

The moment I awoke to the reality that © doesn’t care about me, our life, or our future, I am free. I am free to go dancing. I am free to walk into any place and order a beer. Free to ask a friend that loves me, accepts my Ugly, and hasn’t run, to dance with me.

153.02 The Pattern (Part 2)

I adulted…and I can do that because I’m dealing with my shit, my traumas, my decisions, and my consequences. I blame no one.

141: It’s not about me

I miss her. Sometimes I would just sit in the living room and watch her paint. I know she has been struggling with creating. I hope this is the start of her uncorking her creative bottle.