09: A Rounding Error

Anyone that causes suffering is suffering. Our hatred and our punishing does not help. Vengeance is a lazy form of grief and fear. It’s a false refuge.

Tara Brach

I was reading the documents for the court hearing next week and noticed how often C tries to deny the reality of our past together. I get it: I dishonored her and our history and she has no obligation to respect it.

In a nutshell: I repeatedly say we were together seven years. In the paperwork, she says it was six.

That didn’t make any sense to me because I knew it was longer. Perhaps it helps her rationalize her actions or maybe she doesn’t remember but it feels like more gaslighting the past.

Am I wrong?

Twelve months is a big difference in a seven-year relationship and if I’m wrong I want to know. It’s never been my intention to misrepresent the truth of our relationships as I experienced it. I blew the most meaningful relationship of my life but I can still count – and so does the relationship.

C says we started dating in August, 2011.

As such, I dug into old email accounts I never use anymore to see when we started talking, when we started playing, and when we started dating. It feels really important to me because questioning my past with C inevitably leads to an existential crisis for me.

So I did the math.

We started talking on Twitter in March of 2011. We started dating at the end of April. It was serious enough that on June 3, 2011, I bought her a cell phone to use while she traveled so we could stay in touch.

I just paid the account off and canceled the lines last month.

6 years, 8 months between April 2011 and November 2017.

Here is why it matters to me: I’m fiercely proud of my history with C. I loved her well but not perfectly. I know my betrayal et al caused suffering for her and our family. However, the dates matter to me simply because every day with C meant something important to my life.

I won’t have it written out of existence simply because it’s inconvenient to her and she cannot control her fury. As they say, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” And of course, although her fury burns, I realize, like all revenge, her choices are more about her Pride than about me.

I’m not perfect, but I can do math.