I was reminded again today that the consequences of my betrayal, secret keeping, and escalating series of lies casts a long shadow.
The growth oriented, healthy people will eventually embrace their role and grow. That is many of the people impacted by trauma, loss, and grief. Pain becomes their friend and teacher.
The toxic people will come back to the same tired refrains over and over. They will not, or cannot, self-reflect and so cannot see their need to change. As such, lacking experience with change they believe others are incapable of change too. They become slaves to the status quo and their own lack of imagination. Unable to move forward they are trapped by the stories they imagine. They are perpetual switching between victims or heros making others the villain so they can find a place of importance.
Vengeance, maliciousness, contempt, criticism, rumormonging, violence, passive aggressiveness, silence, and other cover for pain fuels their toxic identity.
I cannot help but feel compassion for them. Common enemy intimacy is their default intimacy.
As long as I continue to be vulnerable, I own the ever evolving and growing truth of who I am, and not who they imagine. As a result, I cannot ever be emotionally blackmailed for mistakes or shamed for trying and failing.
The reality is the flying monkeys and their abuse hurts, but that is because I am human not because of them. The hurt is my lesson to grow into. As Pema Chodron has taught me, “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
I keep showing up, putting myself out there and a small vocal minority continue to spread rumors, lies, half-truths, and slander behind contempt and criticism.
Their ignorance gives me options.
I can either run and hide and live my life based on their ignorance or I can embrace the opportunity.
As such, every arrow meant to wound me, greeted with a growth perspective, becomes a balm that heals me and helps me grow away from toxic people into a more authentic self, a healthier set of relationships.
Once I learned this fact I realized the monkeys aren’t important and are irrelevant…and that is exactly the problem for them.