A dearest friend gave me a talking to this morning.
Here is some of what I took away from the conversation and her perspective:
You want to be more vulnerable in your life but you still pretend too often that you aren’t hurt, sad, angry, and mad. Vulnerability is about all your feelings, not just the pretty ones.
I overshare, overthink, and my confidence is shot.
I forget what is important to me is not important to others.
The current anxiety of my life makes me reactionary and the pain of my loss is still overwhelming at times. It spills out sometimes as I try to negotiate my life now without her…
It is obvious to those that care for you that you care for C and would do the work to love her.
Regardless of what C claims to others as her intentions or motivations, C’s silent treatment is childish, immature, vindictive, and self-righteous. Her silence says far more about her than it does to you.
You were together for seven years. You lived together for five. You helped raise her kids, paid the bills, traveled with her, was an enthusiastic cheerleader, believed in her, and took care of her when she was sick or blue. You were good to her repeatedly and asked for nothing in return except love and acceptance. I know, I saw it. Her behavior isn’t about what you did. That is simply an excuse.
People don’t grab the lightening rod during a storm. You are at times an emotional storm.
Stop trying to reach her heart. If she isn’t moved by her own heart telling her the truth or your heartfelt poetry, sacrifices, truthfulness or actions pre- and post-discovery – or outraged enough to stand up for you when Warren, Davey and Norm attack you publically and privately with lies and rumors – she doesn’t have a heart for you to reach.
You seem unable to play, let your guard down, laugh, be happy, or move forward because the surviors guilt won’t let you. You keep thinking you don’t deserve to be okay and that you should be a mess indefinitely, or at least until C gives you permission to move forward.
You only see the relationship in light of your behavior but you refuse to look at your betrayal as simply a chapter withing the larger story of your relationship with C. You were looking to K for the same permission. Which is clearly why you struggled to end the relationship with her for so long.
You keep naively believing that you were the root of every problem in your relationship with C but if you want to move on you need to be as honest about the relationship – and C’s behavior – as you are about your behavior in your betrayal. If the only thing you take from this chapter is “cheating is bad” you are missing what actually matters from the experience.
That isn’t being a victim or martyr, that isn’t blaming or redirecting, it is adulting.
You still have C on a pedestal.
You won’t even call C a “bitch” because you think that makes you a bad person. If you do call her out you end up apologizing and feeling bad.
I don’t know where I stand with people, at home or in life. I’m making everything up new. It’s overwhelming, scary, and confusing. I’m doing it anyway.
You don’t know what C thinks, feels, has done or hasn’t done. You only have your overactive imagination, remorse, humiliation, and the words and actions of Bullies. You don’t know why C isn’t speaking to you. You are guessing.