105: The Art of Love

Dearest C.

I know you will be there. The show is too good to pass up. We had a rich and wonderful time last year.

I will be as far as away as I can get and trying not to think of you and what – and who – you might be doing. I cannot go where I am not invited. but my heart still sings out to you like an optimistic songbird hoping you will sing back.

There is only silence.

In my heart, I want you to be successful and sell an enormous painting and dozens of small ones. In my heart I want you to make friends, be safe, and enjoy my hometown. In my heart I want you to laugh, dance, and love. In my heart I want you to find whatever you need and want.

My Brain reminds me you are gone and why. 

Every post and conversation with other betrayed spouses is a constant reminder of how I betrayed you, your trust, our life, and humiliated you in your home and community, and with friends and family. 

Every conversation is a reminder of how I broke my vows to keep you safe, honor you, and walk with you.

I have a lot of conversations. I listen. I talk. I listen more.

My Pride lies and tells me you are laughing and mocking my vulnerability as weakness and foolishness. My pride – and other men – tell me I should go out and bang a different girl and give it all to her. 

They mean well.

My Heart remembers the Partnership and our shared Vision. My heart remembers the joy of you, your touch and the warmth of your smile.

…in the quiet of the night, my heart reaches out for you across the enormous gulf of silence. I miss your scent. Your laughing eyes. Your gangly legs. Your beautiful silver hair. You sense of adventure.

In truth, I have so little to give anyone else. I miss your love. I miss loving you.

I miss our life together. 

My heart wants you to know I need you and want you. You were the one. So much of me, six months later still belongs to you as hard as I try to deny you.

My heart knows it to took me forty-three years to find you. My heart knows it was a once in a lifetime. 

My heart remembers it all…

Maybe this weekend your heart will remember me too and sing back.

That is all.


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