Welcome

I was excited to read this story. Throughout my betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies I thought it was up to me to fix it. I had to fix it without help. I had to do it alone. In other words, “I broke it. I have to fix it.”

However, some things are not meant to be fixed alone. Some things hurt specifically because we haven’t learned to ask for help or who to ask. The hurt eventually humbles us enough to seek help. I hurt every single day of my betrayal. My fearful pride simply refused to ask for help until it was too late.

Perhaps I knew intuitively that I couldn’t ask C for help or understanding. Perhaps I just am a pride-filled fool. Regardless, I’m learning my lessons and taking my lumps. I don’t have to do it all.

Let the pain have a purpose.

About the Author

M lives alone in a rural area of the Upper Midwest. She is single and self-employed. A little over two years ago the divorce from her abusive, dangerous, and malignant narcissist husband was finalized. He willfully hurt her emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. He was dangerous. She kept an emergency bad and cash hidden so if she had to run she could quickly grab it and go.

Recently, she decided it is time to have faith, move forward, and act on what she knows is true about herself.

Faith

I am in the early stages of a new relationship. It is interesting, at this age, starting over. So much damage, so many hurts playing out all over again – just new players. And trying to do it differently. To trust someone with my stories, my crazy, the real, unedited, broken and rebuilt me. Not easy. Matter of fact, it is much harder than ever before. Though I am not sure I ever really was real before – I just know I want to be now. And I am. And I am doing things differently – not rushing anything, not giving more of myself than I can, not asking for more than can be given in return.

This is all good. But I was missing something. Something important. Something essential. Trusting someone is really important. But it is even more important to trust myself. It is hard for me to understand how I could trust someone else’s opinion of me, whether positive or negative, but I could not trust my own heart, my own gut, my own vision. My way of seeing is not for everybody. My ex saw the world very differently than I do, and I spent years trying to convince him my vision was valid, then years hiding it, then years smothering it to keep the peace. It didn’t work. And in the end, the external fights between X and I were just representations of my internal fights. I thought I wanted him to hear me, see me, believe in me. But what I needed to learn was to listen to my own heart, to accept myself as I am, to see my own potential and goodness, and trust that I have the skills or knowledge, or know where to find them, to take the next step, to climb the mountain, whatever the mountain is at the moment.

I have been shown over and over again that the universe has my back – I may not always like what is in store, but it is always the right thing. And yet, I still doubt. I lack trust. I lack faith. I find myself running around like mad, stressed to the limit, for days upon days – how can I possibly get it all done? Everything is going to fall apart! I will fall apart! I will ruin people’s lives, I will ruin my life – all if I don’t get it all done, all by myself. That is a lot of pressure, and a lot of pain to carry every day. It is like carrying a bag of bricks around.

I have spent the last few days in such a place, even as those closest to me have reminded me that I have the ability and the experience to manage what is in front of me. I keep forgetting that it is only a problem if I say it is. Such programming.

The evidence would say that I do get done everything that needs to be done. That if the dishes don’t get washed today, they will be there tomorrow, and that is fine. That potential a client chooses someone else, it leaves me open to something that fits better or just leaves me open for a day. That nobody who shows up to my house cares whether there are weeds in the garden or piles of brush in the woods. That when I do what I can, and ask for help, no one’s life is ruined, not even mine.

I am still working on this faith thing – and what is faith but trust. Trust in what is seen and unseen. Trust in what is underneath. Trust in friends, loved ones, community, connection.

A deep trust that right now, at this moment, I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. My heart knows. My gut knows. My mind is coming along.