65.8: 3 Days: Outwaiting Clouds

That the world can be improved and yet must be celebrated as it is are contradictions. The beginning of maturity may be the recognition that both are true.

William Stott

Documentary Expression and Thirties America

Mark Nepo hits my current emotional state and attitude right on the nose. I think he has elves that sneak into my briefcase every night and rewrite pages of his book, The Book of Awakening, just for me. It is a wonderful way to start each morning finding perspective on my pain, loss, and sadness. Readings like this help me refocus my energy to activities more positive.

I’ve spent five months outwaiting the clouds. My betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies have cast a long shadow across the horizon of the life I was trying to build with C.  However, what I have recognized for a long time is that at some point in time I have to be willing to move to get closer to the warmth of the sun I see on the horizon. I can wait but I also need to take responsibility for what I do while I wait.

I have faith spring’s warmth and sunshine will come even if I don’t see it today.

3 days.

April 19

The bud in half-bloom outwaits the cloud.

Some days I wake with a cloud around my heart, and it dulls everything except the weight I carry inside. Yet, just because I can’t make it to the light today doesn’t mean that the light has vanished. In truth, the heart, like the Earth, is continually blanketed by ever-changing atmospheres that come and go between who we are and how we live our days.

So faith, it seems, can be defined as the effort to believe in light when we’re covered by clouds, and though it feels like the sun will never come again, the truth is it has never stopped burning its light. In fact, its heat and warmth are burning steadily, right now, on the far side of whatever cloud we are under.

If we could only suspend our judgment when clouded in the heart. For many skepticisms are born from conclusions drawn while unable to see, as if any kind of understanding will prevent the clouds from coming or going, again and again.

But no cloud last forever. The Earth and all that grows from it knows this well. So does the heart and everything that grows from it, in spite of all are very understandable pains. – Mark Nepo