50: Queen of My Heart

When I care I care. That’s the way it is.

What would it say about me if I could pretend it didn’t matter to me? What would it say if I just walked away from her and hated her back. I’ve earned her hate.

I know what I did.

No.

I’ll take all the slings and arrows.

I’ll wait. I’ll keep loving her imperfectly because that is the way it is. Maybe by risking, caring and being vulnerable I can earn her forgiveness, love, and trust back. Fearing vulnerability is the trap.

If hating me is her choice than loving me is her choice too.

It is my risk to take. Loving her is the choice I make.

For that she will hate me even more but she cannot paint over her heart like a canvas. If she didn’t love me but loves what I did for her that is her betrayal.

No one is perfect. What I did was wrong. It won’t happen again.

For the first time in a very long time I have a choice. I can go anywhere. Do anything. Be with anyone.

I choose to live and wait. Seven beautiful years is worth making the time to love, heal, reflect, and learn. There is no rush.

At the moment I choose to listen and talk with her like she is someone I love. At the moment I choose to listen to my heart.

Come spring, when it’s time to move forward, I will do it with gusto and enthusiasm but for now I will love her with patient understanding.

Even if others use it to paint me a fool. The only opinion that matters is hers.

I have no secrets. I am stripped naked before the Queen of my Heart. I act fearlessly even in the face of my fears.

What would she have me do?