22: Broken

photo-3-89People keep saying I need to stop writing and thinking about my behavior. As a friend said yesterday, “You’ve taken more responsibility for your behavior than 90% of most men would.”

I wish I could flip a switch and move on from the pain and anguish my behavior created for C. I wish I had a time machine and better judgement.

I killed her love, trust, passion, faith, and raised doubt over everything we discovered in our life together. I did this to C’s life. I did this to my life. I did this to us.

The guilt wracks my mind. I cannot fix what I broke. I cannot stop thinking on it. I did this to more than one person’s life because I dragged a future into my past.

The truth of my lies clouds every beautiful mile, moment, and memory, we experienced together over the last seven years. My lies shade every heartfelt moment.

How can I hope for her forgiveness when I cannot forgive myself?

My apologies mean nothing when they fall on the hardened heart of my love.

I had a choice. She didn’t.

No amount of writing or apologizing will ever mend a broken heart. I have to carry the burden alone for the rest of my life knowing what I did to another life.

…and the ghost stories I tell myself is why I cannot sleep.