05: Karma

I wish I hadn’t responded out of bitterness. I wish I had the maturity, at that moment, to sit and let the hurt happen without hurting someone else. I wish I had been able to see K as a person first, and not simply as a co-conspirator in my betrayal of C.

04: Hurt People

For a long time I’ve seen this as symbolic of where © and I are, but this morning, as I searched for an image to reflect where I am today, I realized this image I took is also symbolic of my relationship to Pain.

03: Healing

Every time I say I cannot heal © out loud, a man or woman that was betrayed – or some opinionated outsider – cry foul: “You broke it,” they cry, “You fix it!”

To that I say: grow up.

Update on Thoughts on Those Who’ve Fallen Through by Mark Nepo

I’m actually in a better place now than I was before Monday’s physical and emotional collapse. I’m in a better place because I’m leaning into the pain.

I know who I am.

02: Dig If You Will The Picture

I’ve tried not to make irrecoverable or forced errors. I’ve tried to not run from my pain and grieving but protecting the past from C’s wrath isn’t my responsibility either.

01: A Fresh Start

This is the first week in a very long time, where I am not overwhelmed with feelings of shame and humiliation. I did what I did. I cannot undue it. I cannot change any of it.

153.05: The Patterns (Part 5)

My friend said, “I think she is engaged.”

153.04: The Patterns (Part 4)

153.03: The Pattern (Part 3)

The moment I awoke to the reality that © doesn’t care about me, our life, or our future, I am free. I am free to go dancing. I am free to walk into any place and order a beer. Free to ask a friend that loves me, accepts my Ugly, and hasn’t run, to dance with me.

153.02 The Pattern (Part 2)

I adulted…and I can do that because I’m dealing with my shit, my traumas, my decisions, and my consequences. I blame no one.