"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m fiercely proud of my history with C. I loved her well but not perfectly. I know my betrayal et al caused suffering for her and our family. However, the dates matter to me simply because every day with C meant something important to my life.
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A few weeks ago I had a significant shift in my attitude and approach to dealing with my pain and loss. The way the day unfolded was a long serendipitous experience.
The lessons will last a lifetime.
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I keep stepping on ©’s boundaries. Sometimes I step over them, and a few times I work the loophole. It’s manipulative as fuck.
It’s been in a blind spot and now that I see it I am responsible to change it.
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For a long time I’ve seen this as symbolic of where © and I are, but this morning, as I searched for an image to reflect where I am today, I realized this image I took is also symbolic of my relationship to Pain.
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Every time I say I cannot heal © out loud, a man or woman that was betrayed – or some opinionated outsider – cry foul: “You broke it,” they cry, “You fix it!”
To that I say: grow up.
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I’ve tried not to make irrecoverable or forced errors. I’ve tried to not run from my pain and grieving but protecting the past from C’s wrath isn’t my responsibility either.
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This is the first week in a very long time, where I am not overwhelmed with feelings of shame and humiliation. I did what I did. I cannot undue it. I cannot change any of it.
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