“I do that occasionally. I undermine what is best before they leave me. I won’t let people love me – or forgive me. Which makes me a complex person to love…However, my decisions often worsen the initial loss, pain, loneliness, guilt, sadness, and fear. I cut people off before they knew what happened or why.”
I use to believe some things were best kept private…but it is precisely the act of secret keeping that allowed my betrayal to fester so long. When the lies, secrets, and betrayal detonated on our lives twenty-eight days ago I was both sickened and relieved. The secret had been weighing down my soul and my relationships for a long time.
I’m glad the secret is out. Maybe now, with a little help and patience, I can move forward instead of being trapped in the past by remorse and shame.
Through this process, I am learning a great deal about myself and other people. I’m learning to grieve the loss of relationship and identity.
One of the first lessons was hard to face: people I thought were friends aren’t. However, the second lesson immediately followed: I have true friends.
Which is great because I was certain everyone would judge me and…
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