50: Things I Carry: Grief and Joy

Certainly, things and people change – the simpatico of our needs can shift – but we have no chance of recognizing real change or loss if we cannot recognize and accept our inability at times to feel what we see… Being Human, we all have fogs roll in around our heart, and often, our lives depend on the quiet courage to wait for them to clear.

Mark Nepo

There are moments, like now, when I find myself emotionally ambushed by something I see or smell or hear or taste or touch and in joyous surprise I find myself pausing and smiling over memories of you and how you lit up my heart.

And then, as if a squall moves between me and the sun, I find myself standing in the cold rain of remorse and sorrow and I’m reminded once again, by my thoughts, how I betrayed you, Us, and me.

In those moments, anxiety sweeps in and I sit in the car grieving, without shame, over the losses all over again as I await the clouds to clear.

Mono no aware. Saudade.

Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.

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