By the time this posts this morning I will be in court.
I wish I weren’t but here we are none-the-less. C wants things. I want things.
Now the judge will want things.
I’ll let him decide what is equitable and if there are lumps I’ll take them. Just as I’ve been willing to take them from the beginning.
I realize the flip side of vulnerability: you take the risk, you face the uncertainty, and you make yourself open to the outcome.
This was a possible outcome.
Tonight a friend that has been in contact with both of us since the beginning offered an interesting insight I never really thought about until now:
You are in this situation because from the beginning you have wanted to take responsibility and demonstrate your concern for C. You took responsibility for her well-being and her healing. You sent her money, books, and tried to care from her from a distance. You allowed your guilt and shame to be manipulated but her, others, and by your own Pride. In other, more noble ways, you have repeatedly tried to adult from a place of hope and love. C doesn’t care about those things. She isn’t wired that way. She sees everything as your problem and so what you do is easily twisted into something it isn’t. Your idealism brought you to this point.
There are things in C’s complaint that are true of course: I sent books on healing from trauma, I contacted her friend to try and get paperwork signed, and I write an online journal talking about my experience through this process and what I’ve learned about myself, my relationship, and Us.
Those are true.
She adds I’m irrational, I made a scene at the bar, I’m a habitual liar and I’m stalking her. She claims my journal slanders her. None of which is true but my infidelity means I have no credibility and it is easy to leverage that.
Some of you reading this will instantly think it’s true simply based on your experience.
That is how prejudice works: it doesn’t have to be true to feel true…and based on C’s behavior she feels it is true.
Anger allows us to justify all kinds of conspiracies and actions. When angry it is easiest to believe the worse and there will always be those that are willing to pile on to a type of common enemy intimacy, stoking anger and ignorance.
A fellow writer wrote yesterday that she lost a financial supporter of her blog over her support of Dr. Ford. She argues we need to believe women when they say these things happen. We need to listen.
We do need to believe women, and people in general, that is the generosity that Brene Brown talks about in her discussion of B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
However, as my attorney reminded me Monday, my friends have reminded me for nearly a year, and I learned last month when C and her new Beau made a scene, is C is not my responsibility. I care for her deeply, passionately, and unconditionally but her fears and anger are not my burden. If after twelve months she hasn’t sought help outside of playing the victim than that is on her, not me.
As such, I need to make sure I put the burden of proof where it belongs. The conversation I’ve wanted to have for a long time we are going to have this morning I think.
I’m not anxious, afraid, or angry about how this might turn out.
There is a radical acceptance of where I am and an understanding of its impermanence. I have been done with this relationship for months; reconciliation is not the objective.
My only struggle is this: I realize that I have spent all my energy over the last seven years eight months lovingly caring for C and what I guessed C needs and wants while avoiding the uncomfortable, the hard, the Ugly, and the conflict. I’m only uncomfortable because I know his morning I will need to take the gloves off if I want to break the Pattern that brought me here. I will have to embrace the role of Villain if I want to be free.
And that scares me.