112: What am I doing? — Walking the Journey

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I’m a dog. C is a cat. We had a great partnership but I betrayed her anyway. Then I started guessing what she needed and where she wanted to go.

“What am I doing?”

I’ve asked myself that question thousands of times a day over the years of my betrayal.  I’ve asked myself that questions a thousand times a day since the reveal.

The reality is, I simply wanted to find a way to be with C from the moment I met here avoiding any drama or emotionally hurtful consequences of that choice.

I failed in a thousand ways because I avoided a truthful vulnerability and relied on a prideful illusion of safety. I failed because I was afraid to take a risk, face the uncertainty, and talk about the hard emotional truths: I belonged to C from the day I met her, I never wanted to be anywhere else.

I still don’t want to be anywhere else still which is screwing with moving forward.

Reading this post from WJ, I was constantly reminded how often I avoid the having the meaningful conversations. I’m reminded how often I guess. I’m reminded how often I expect others to guess. I’m reminded how often I ask myself: What am I doing?

Here is how I answered WJ’s question:

I always encouraged C to do whatever she wanted. Sometimes I encouraged her to do things she was uncomfortable with doing because it was good for her business, her art, and her Vision.

I found her an art studio in town so she could paint outside the house, we visited galleries trying to find her new outlets for her sales, I took pictures at every art show we attended and posted them to FB and other social media for her. I would randomly stop at places to help her find inspiration and source material. I believed in her and supported her Vision every opportunity I could.

My betrayal was wrong and led to a lot of other hurtful behavior but I did right by her in a 1,000 other ways. However, my deceptions understandably created a cloud of suspicion interlopers used to paint everything as part of a sinister and malignant plot. Outside opinions, C’s hurt, and my defensiveness help metastasize the betrayal across our entire history.

I don’t know your H’s motivations, perhaps it is malicious.

What matters is not what he thinks or wants it is what you need and want – you want to be able to make other choices. Until you take the risk to confront him truthfully and honestly with your truth, until you face the uncertainty with emotional openness and courage he will not ever know you. He is left to guess at your motivations and yours at his. I can only encourage you to tell him the same truth you wrote here: “I feel trapped and need and want options for my future with or without you…”

That is about you not him…even if decides to make it about him.

Forcing him to guess at your motivations, feelings, needs, and wants is setting the bar for failure. I know you don’t want to be vulnerable to him again. I know you don’t want to face another emotional beating but avoiding the hard conversations is how so many of us ended up so hurt, broken, and betrayed.

Money is a tool, it is not a solution. Money is the Way of the Thing, is isn’t the Thing.

You and I talked about B.R.A.V.I.N.G on Twitter: More vulnerability, not less, is how to heal a broken heart (Mark Nepo) and risk + uncertainty + emotional openness = vulnerability (Brene Brown).

With or without him, isn’t healing your heart what you long for?

You got this.

UPDATE: Just to be clear, I don’t mean confront. That’s the wrong word. This isn’t and argument.

 

What am I doing? I don’t know. I work with children diagnosed with Autism. I work with children on the severe end of the spectrum. Almost all are non-verbal. (Though that does not mean incapable 😊) January, after Christmas break, my husband sat me down and said, “I can cover your paycheck. If you want, […]

via What am I doing? — Walking the Journey