Friday’s Guest Writer: I Got Nothing (09)

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I didn’t bother reaching out to other writers. I’ve had a tough week.

I spent most of it swinging between having a sense of self-respect and self-pity, between anger and love, between confusion and understanding, between hiding and vulnerability.

I got nothing in the tank. I feel desolate. Like an empty highway.

I have no sense of playfulness. Food has no taste. It is why my diet sucks. I’m trying to find something that tastes good. Even doughnuts, chocolate, and whiskey have lost their appeal. A friend tried sexually flirting with me this week to cheer me up. It was exhausting.

I’m simply trudging along.

I kind of fell into an emotional cocoon. Knowing C was so close last weekend, doing something we did as Partners – and then allowing people to think I would malignantly try to hurt her and her things – made me angry and then pushed me over the edge into self-pity and depression. Something I’m working to dig out of even now.

The mythologizing of my betrayal et al is like the Energizer Bunny of my life. It goes on and on. I’m not saying I haven’t earned some of it, but knowing that certainly doesn’t make it any easier. Losing the trust and love of my Love of loves is one of the most painful of many painful losses I’ve experienced in this chapter of my life.

I’ve tried to treat C as someone I love. I’ve tried to listen to her as someone I love. I try to see her choices through her eyes. I have empathy, compassion, and understanding. I know what I did.

Self-forgiveness eludes me.

I also have feelings, needs, wants, desire, hurts, and losses too. I cannot pretend I don’t feel too. She is unable to hear me or see me as someone she loves, or once loved. The only feedback I’ve gotten in seven months is from the Matador’s zealously self-righteous lances. I feel the weight of C’s silence with every breath.

Let the pain have a purpose.

About the Authors

Here is a list of the authors that have been helpful to me. Check them out. Follow them if you aren’t.

If you are the cheater, wayward spouse, philanderer, pig, fucker, cad or simply an idiot these men and women will help you understand what the human being you betrayed needs, wants, feels, and thinks.

Don’t let your pride get in the way of listening and understanding. These men and women are people. Regardless of the situation, regardless if you leave or stay: be patient, be kind. These are people you love – or once loved. They trusted you with their hearts, even if it doesn’t seem like it. There is no courage in cheating. It is just bluster. It is the opposite of vulnerability.

Also, don’t let your remorse and shame turn you into a doormat. Own your shit, not theirs – just do it with dignity and compassion.

If you are the other, affair partner, mistress, lover, homewrecker, skank, or sewer weasel follow these human beings and try to see it through their experiences. No matter how much you think you know, your co-conspirator isn’t telling you the truth and isn’t being honest. I know you hurt too.

If you are the betrayed one?

I’m sorry for your pain. Follow these men and women. They really want to help. Like any betrayal, infidelity has its many emotional traps. No more or less than other betrayals, but just different. Don’t let you hurt and anger destroy you, your lives, or your love. Stay or leave but try to remember these are people too – which sounds all logical when your entire being is on fire.

I’ve listened and watched both the Affair Partners and the Betrayed. Neither of you will like this but whether you admit it or not, you have more in common than you realize including sharing of a dick.

Suggested Follows

I put in parenthesis some details that have helped me and my understanding of their relationship to betrayal.

Esther Perel (Education, Perspective, Healing)

Tara Brach (Healing)

Brene Brown (Perspective, Healing)

Mark Nepo (Perspective, Healing)

Dolly Allen (Betrayed)

Not Your Average Girl (Betrayed, Affair Partner, Perspective)

A Patient Man (Betrayer)

Alejandro (Betrayed, Perspective)

Crisis Wife (Betrayed, Infidelity Support)

Reconciled for Life and Mindless Craft (Betrayed and Betrayer)

Betrayed Wife (Betrayed)

Spouse of a Sex Addict (Betrayed)

Thought Catalog (Miscellaneous musings on a variety of topics)

Ms. Polvora (Betrayed)

Unleashing the Cougar (Affair Partner, Betrayed?)

Walking the Journey (Betrayed)

Tears in a Bottle (Abused)

The Naked Writer (Betrayed)

Are We Still Having Spaghetti for Dinner? (Betrayed)

Affair with Coffee (Betrayer, Hasn’t posted in a while but excellent archives)

The Good Men Project (Miscellaneous Writings)

Dr Zuleyka Zevallos (Education)

Lisa Arends (Betrayed)

Betrayed Wives Club (Support)

Affair Recovery Clinic (Education, Support)


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