It is precisely the behavior of trolls fueling my anxiety and shame. My anxiety tells me C’s trolls will show up and make a scene or to try and intimidate me.
82: The Elephant
7:00 a.m. Wednesday
The meeting went excellent this morning. We had a nice turnout from 8:00 to 8:45 and the speaker presented on the Business on Purpose: The Power of Giving and Asking for Help. It is an appropriate topic both professionally and personally.
So This Happened
As I mentioned in post 82: The Elephant, my anxiety told me trolls would show up and try to blackmail and shame me.
And like clockwork, at 8:30 a.m. before the meeting was over, my phone lit up. The troll showed up on social media. He just cannot tend his own garden.
Know your enemy.
As someone texted me later, “You are his hobby. The way he acts there is no doubt he’s the narcissist.”
I laughed because, whether he is or isn’t, he certainly plays the part. I told a friend recently, “He is ill-informed and angry. He thinks of himself as a Hero. I’m doing my best to ignore him.”
As part of his smear campaign my personal troll tried to gain access to the Facebook Group again – which I denied – and then posted another attempt at shaming and blackmailing me on my Cad Confessional page. Which I simply sent to spam.
He isn’t writing to help, learn, or contribute. His sole purpose is to harass and push my buttons. He wants to fuel the Drama Triangle so he can play Hero again. He isn’t interested in C’s well being, just his own ego, anger, and control. As with his posts on Dolly Allen’s pages he isn’t interested in anyone else’s perspectives or experiences. He just wants everyone to see me the way he sees me, even if he doesn’t know me.
And if they won’t play his game?
He insults them as being too stupid to see my duplicity.
See? I can do armchair psychology too.
In the seven years C and I were together, he spent less than 10 hours with me and never alone. Everything he has done and said to date is based on what he thinks and not what he knows. It is too bad that he is unwilling to examine his own behavior with the same energy he keeps misdirecting towards his personal crusade to save an imagined damsel.
In reality, I had a successful, wonderful day, and like a coo-coo clock he showed up on time to try and throw shade. Over the last five months, every personal victory post-discovery is met with a trolls attempts at derision.
It doesn’t work because I’m past the point of caring about the demands of ignorant trolls. I don’t owe them any answers. The only person that deserves answers to all the questions is C and my doctor. And C isn’t interested for her own reasons.
Everyone else is an interloper.
In truth, I feel sorry for my troll but I’ve also learned from him. Without his self-serving and cowardly harassing and trolling I probably would never have gotten help for the social anxiety disorder or learned to appreciate C’s ugly.
More Importantly, This Happened
After the meeting, I talked to friends and we discussed my move back to Yo-Yo Town. They are excited I’m moving back to the area. A friend said to me, “Sean, so many good things have come from you being here. Out of this group people have made friends, found new opportunities to collaborate and create, and drawn closer together as a community. I’m glad you are here.”
She even offered to let me stay at her home this summer while her and her husband head off to their second home. I was touched.
It is rewarding to hear people see me, my heart, and intentions without the ghost stories. In her words, “A few people have said things to me, but in reality, what happened between you and C is no one’s business and people should stay out of it. There shouldn’t be teams. You and C are both humans and outsiders never know the truth.”
For the first time, in a very, very long time, today’s moments almost felt natural. I almost forgot what that felt like. Now I remember and will make more days like today.