67: Sorrow and Grief

The willingness to truly see Painter as who she is means seeing myself as I am in that pattern. And to see this truth is to live with remorse and regret, and experience sorrowful grief.

66: Stories of Stories

I say this knowing just as Painter or Beatrice are not responsible for my betrayal, lies, and secrets, I am not responsible for theirs. At the end of the day how each of us reacts or responds to others is about our relationship to our emotional selves. Essentially, the ways in which we rigidly grasp our stories, imaginings, and entitlements define how we react or respond to the world around us. It defines everything from our suffering to our joys.

65: Stories of Scapegoats

I recognize all change is internal growth externalized. If I want a different relationship with others, it is my burden to show up differently and be there for them when they are ready.

64: Gifts of the Season

I’m not ungrateful. Painter’s gift is really a reminder to myself that she is not who she pretends to be, and because of that, I owe her nothing but time and distance.

63: Stories of Dick Pics

Which of course begs the question, knowing I didn’t send one, what is Painter gaining by pretending I did something I didn’t?

62: Stories of Invisible Loyalties

I have allowed invisible loyalties to interfere in my well-being. I have taken life-altering actions on more than one occasion because I allowed invisible loyalties to hijack my decision-making process.

61: Relational Blackjack

I was never confused about Painter’s decision to end the relationship. Although I was hurt and sad, I was never confused. I understood.

60: Weekend 49 Fodder: Loneliness

I’ll make time to sit this weekend.

59: Thoughts on Kindness and Toxicity

Painter is unsafe and dangerous for me because I struggle to see her for what she does. I sometimes forget how skillful — and willing — she is at getting other people to carry her water.

Lessons From a Black Friday: Year Four

Four years and time marches on.