70: Playing With Fire

When I made a decision to have an affair with my ex-wife Beatrix, it lasted a very short period of time. From what I can tell maybe 4 months out of the seven years I was with Painter. Four to six sexual encounters.

Four to six too many.

However, I spent the next two and a half years gas lighting and lying to Beatrix about my life with Painter to avoid the consequences.

And I kept secrets and lied to Painter.

My discomfort over my behaviors annihilated me. The secrets and lies were inconsistent with what I valued, the relationship I value, and the people I value. Neither Beatrix or Painter are in any way, shape, or form responsible for my decisions.

I coped badly and made many mistakes in these relationships. I will never be able to accurately express my remorse and regret over the impact my actions made on others.

Options for amends are limited.

When Painter ended the relationship, I was relieved. This was for all intents and purposes the only secret and lies I carried in my life.

I’ve not had any secrets or lies from people in my life since that experience. I will burn my entire life to waterline again before I live a curated life for the comfort of others.

Which brings me to this point.

I am working on an audit for the Client.

It’s actually a big deal.

And although I have tried continuously to get my client to integrate these procedures and processes into the company management philosophy, it’s never a good time. I’ve watched for years as the Management Team treats the audit as a obstacle hoop and not a growth tool.

But now in the days leading up to the audit, the Client wants me to manufacture forms and back date documents.

Every time the Client asks me I simply say, “the best solution is to take it on the chin and move forward.”

Instead the Client is trying to manufacture 12 months worth of documents. I keep refusing to sign them.

I am physically and mentally sick over this.

And angry.

I may need some pyromancer’s piss and a match.