53: I Slept with Her

Despite our best efforts to clean it of its peculiarities, sex will never be either simple or nice in the ways we might like it to be. It is not fundamentally democratic or kind; it is bound up with cruelty, transgression and the desire for subjugation and humiliation. It refuses to sit neatly on top of love, as it should.

Alain de Botton

I have throughout my life, on more than one occasion slept with a woman and left wondering why I did it.

Some reasons include love, lust, desire, passion, anger, guilt, shame, and stupidity.

I have slept with women because I wanted to and out of obligation. I have slept with women because I didn’t know how to end the date, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and because I’m a people pleaser and she was more into me than I was her.

Also, I slept with women out of habit, boredom, and too much whiskey.

A few times I’ve slept with a woman because the opportunity presented itself.

In many situations, I ghosted because I was ashamed and humiliated about my own behavior and I didn’t know how to deal with hurting their feelings.

Occasionally, it was hot as fuck. Occasionally, it was a pity fuck.

Once or twice I slept with a woman because that’s what husbands do. Once or twice I slept with a woman because that’s what my heart would have me do.

There are probably other reasons why I slept with people I didn’t actually want to sleep with. I’m not going to get into the whole list here.

I confused my feelings as directives and not simply data as Dr. Susan David writes.

However, in the moment every one of those decisions made sense. It was only through the benefit of hindsight I realized in some of those situations my intentions and motives were directed from a place of injury.

Some of the women I used them to bandage my injuries. A balm for my soul applied liberally to my cock.

I realize I may be selfish, and perhaps it would have been better if I hadn’t acted this way. Without a doubt, I used some of these women to avoid my own discomfort, loneliness, and to cover up the pain and shame I felt.

And here’s the thing, with the benefit of hindsight and reflection have I been able to find perspective. And frankly, those that might judge me weren’t there.

However, hindsight also provides another truth: I’m also not responsible for the other woman’s choices, her perceptions, her needs, her feelings, or her wants. In every case they made a choice to sleep with me.

Did they use me too? Probably.

I realize that I’ve done this on more than one occasion, with more than one woman, and occasionally with the same woman repeatedly. And while some people will argue that makes me an asshole, it certainly doesn’t make me unique.

For that matter, if the woman is willing to sleep with me repeatedly, I guess I’m not that big of an asshole.

So yes, I chose to sleep with her and she chose to sleep with me.

Perhaps we were both just lonely.